See You Later

As you all know, we had to lay our sweet family cat to rest recently. It was one of the most difficult goodbyes I've ever had to say. So today, I'd like to write about his incredible story, because it makes me smile and it reminds me of how truly wonderful our furry friends can be.

Let's start at the beginning. That's my favorite part.

The thing I love most about Bob is that he chose us. I don't remember how old I was, maybe ten? It was during a Christmas break, I think, when the best little creature sauntered his way into our lives and refused to leave.

My mother had just returned from a grocery trip and she was hauling in the bags when this pesky, tailless cat kept running inside the house. "You don't live here," she would scold as she picked him up and returned him to the Great Suburban Outdoors.

In he ran and out she carried him over and over, until finally, she gave up. We knew he couldn't be a stray. He was too friendly and actually enjoyed being cradled like a baby. It was decided that we would harbor the sweet thing and make posters to alert his family.

Bob captured my heart immediately. He regularly guarded me in my sleep, positioning himself right next to my head on the pillow. Occasionally, I'd even get a nice head massage. There's nothing like falling asleep next to soft, purring cat. I selfishly prayed every night that no one would answer our posters. From the very beginning, I knew I never wanted to say goodbye.

The story of how Bob got his name always makes me chuckle. We thought he was a girl at first, so we started to call *her* Sweetie. We had another cat at the time, Squid, who was a rescue from a neglectful and abusive environment, so even though we loved him dearly, he wasn't much of a cuddler. That's why Bob's sweetness was so surprising to us. Weeks passed and no one claimed *Sweetie*. We weren't about to kick this amazing fur ball to the curb (and he never would have let us if we tried), so we just accepted the fact that we had a new cat! We took him to the vet to get all checked out and to make sure he had all his shots when -hey there- we discovered that our beloved *Sweetie* was actually a boy! So we tacked on a "Bob" at the end, in honor of the cute li'l nub he had in place of a tail. Thus, Sweetie became Sweetie-Bob, and eventually, just Bob.

Bob was an adventurous guy, even to the end of his days. He loved being outdoors more than anything and you could always find him bathing his giant belly in the warmth of the sun. He was an expert hunter, always bringing his trophies to the door (or truck bed). I really feel like Bob lived a true cat life. I think he'd regret nothing.

In 2001, we moved to a new neighborhood which was still under construction. Bob, being his curious and adventurous self, climbed into a moving van and we didn't see him again for.... months? Maybe a couple of years? It seemed like forever to me. We got a call one glorious day from a vet in Alief. Someone had found Bob and he still had his tags! I was finally reunited with my best friend! After his long-term adventure, he would no longer guard my sleep, but that was okay. I was just glad he was home.

Things changed again for this poor guy when I unexpectedly moved back home from school and brought my young cat Sheldon with me. Bob had grown older and this was a change he refused to accept. He was rather terrifying when his territory was threatened and I always felt bad for bringing Sheldon into his world. Bob would rarely come inside while Sheldon was there. He pretty much would only come in when we forced him to because the weather was too extreme for him to be out there. I had given him so many fun nicknames such as my Tubb of Chubb, Tubbinz/Tubb, and Bobular Cat. He lost a lot of his chub in his old age, but I never quit calling him those names. He will always be my Tubbinz.

The day came that he got so thin, my mother decided it was time to check it out. He'd gone from 16 pounds down to 8 in a few short years. The initial vet report: there was a tumor on his kidney. We were advised to put him down quickly because we would not want to see that play out. Bob may have been stubborn, but so is my mother. She decided to get a second opinion. The prognosis was similar, but just a tad more optimistic. Not a tumor, necessarily, but he definitely had kidney disease. After seeing a specialist, we put him on a special diet and my mom was trained on how to administer IV fluids to help keep him hydrated.

I think my worst experience during all of this was when I went to my parents' house to grab something for my classroom. I didn't know that they were keeping Bob in my bathroom at the time, so when I opened the door, I saw small blood stains on the floor and he was making weird sounds and walking funny. I immediately called my mom, sobbing. She said they believed he'd had a stroke the night before. They kept him in my bathroom because they were afraid he would fall down the stairs. The blood was from the kidney disease and his inability to get to the litter box in time. I thought that day was the end. I had regretted not listening to the first vet. I really didn't want to sit there and watch his body poison itself. I didn't know which was more selfish: Keeping him alive when his body was shutting down or putting him out of his misery?

A few days passed and my parents reported that he was getting stronger. The stroke blinded him, but he was getting around just fine. He liked company. If he could hear you, he was right there next to you. And he still loved to eat. We had to literally put it right in his face for a bit, but he would scarf it right down. He seemed to be on the up and up! While my parents were out of town, my little brother and I had the responsibility of administering the IV fluid. My mom showed me how but I hadn't actually done it before. I found out that day that I am the worst cat nurse. I cried, and freaked out a little when he would hiss and squirm, the needle would come out and spray IV fluid all aver him, which led to more hissing and angry groans, and more sobs from yours truly. But I got it done. After 3 tries. Sorry, Bob. You were too patient.

Later that week, my parents returned and my mom and I made plans to go check out an antique convention. I arrived at their house to eat lunch beforehand and my mom would look at me, then look away. Look at me, then look away. I asked her, "Why do you keep looking at me like that?" but I knew why. I knew it was done. My older brother came down stairs to leave for work that morning and saw Bob, lying motionless on the floor. Still breathing, but unresponsive. The vet said it was another massive stroke and there was no chance of recovery. That was that. He was gone. I didn't cry much, which felt wrong. But I had already cried so much from all the "This is it" and "He's making a comeback". It was a lot of back and forth, my emotions swinging on a pendulum from one extreme to the other. As I write this now, however, the tears are falling.

We saw it coming from a mile away. He was at least 18 years old. None of this was a surprise. But just like I knew during our first few weeks together, I still didn't want to say goodbye. He was a great cat. The best cat. None will ever compare. My mom called him the "Tailless Wonder". His nub was iconic. His tortoiseshell patterned fur was beautiful and soft. He was kind. He was stubborn. He was strong. Best of all, I think he was happy. Even in his last days.

One of his ears had a big chunk missing from a fight he was in long ago. Now my heart matches it.

I miss him. I miss him terribly. Home will never be the same without my Tubb of Chubb to gallop up to my car and greet me.

Just a lil update for you guys

One year ago, I wrote a blog post about dead ends and my difficulties finding a job I could enjoy. Now I'm two weeks into teaching at a great school with phenomenal principals and really great kiddos. It's amazing how things change change so drastically for the better, isn't it?

It's funny how I was planning on writing a blog about my new job and my new apartment today and then time hop pulls up that post from last year. I think it really took suffering through a soul crushingly terrible job in order to motivate me to get up and go find that dream job.

Let me begin by saying the weeks before starting your first teaching job are the most terrifying weeks of your life. I had dreams about school, good and bad, every day from August 1st until school started. I had never known stress like the stress of trying to prepare your classroom (SO EXPENSIVE!!!!!!) and prepare an apartment when you have virtually no money. Spending hours and hours going through music and costumes and decorations and other classroom materials left behind by the previous teacher. Spending hours and hours dusting every surface. I don't know how one lets dust get so bad that you have to vacuum the walls, but that's what my mom and I did. We slaved over one closet for an entire 8 hour day. It's beautiful, but man, was it hard work.

The students are pretty amazing. There's a couple of tough ones, but we'll make it work. My fourth graders have a ton of good voices which makes me excited for choir performances! I do get at least one kid a day who asks if we're going to watch a movie. And it's always Alvin and the Chipmunks. Sorry, kiddo. There won't be any movies. Especially not that movie. If i watched that 6 times in one day, I'd have to shove knives into my ears. Maybe a Quaver video from time to time. But no Chipmunks.

I'm also quickly finding out what presses my buttons. The biggest one right now is when they walk in and ask what we're doing today. I get that they're excited and I love that, but YOU'LL FIND OUT IN 3 SECONDS CHILL. And when I am about to explain something (like when I said "we're going to learn about my kindness board and how to use it") and they ask "what is that?" I LITERALLY JUST TOLD YOU THAT I'M ABOUT TO TELL YOU WHAT IT IS OMG. those are the times I smile, take a breath, and relax, for sure. And then there is all the repetition. Chatty-ness is probably my biggest issue right now. Lots of talking while I'm talking/interrupting me/just flat out not listening to instructions. I have quickly learned that repeating myself more than once is a trigger for me, so I've got to work on that. Don't wanna be going off on my poor ADD/ADHD babies who can't help it. <3

I think my favorite age group is also my least favorite and that is Kindergarten. THEY ARE SO CUTE AND PRECIOUS. But then they're also difficult to corral. It's actually how I would imagine herding cats to be. And then one kid does a bad thing and they think it's funny so now they're ALL doing it. But I learned that "I'm going to have to let your teacher know we had a hard day in music today" whips them into shape. My favorite is when their mom is a teacher and I say "Make it a good day so I can tell your mom it was awesome." Their little eyes get huge as they think "OH GOD SHE KNOWS MY MOM DON'T TELL HER I WASN'T LISTENING PLEASEEEEEE".

Thus post doesn't feel like it flows well and it's probably a lot of boring information that no one cares about, but to be honest, my brain feels like it doesn't flow very well right now because there's so much going on. I just had to take advantage of the coincidence of last year's blog post and fill you in on the current state of my life. Also I'm typing this on my phone and I'm too lazy to proof read so if there are typos and grammatical errors you can fight meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Just kidding. Have a good holiday weekend, friends. I wish they could all be this long!

BabyCat, PartyCat, BirthdayCat, TummyFlap

It's my favorite day of the year! The anniversary of when my little demon--err, kitten decided to grace the earth--and the Internet--with his presence. I can't believe he's turning FIVE today. FIVE YEARS of terror, indifference, and a very convoluted idea of "love". Although I didn't adopt him until he was 2 months old, here's a glimpse of our story:

Nearly five years ago, a friend of a friend (Chris) needed people to take some precious kittens off his hands. When I decided I was going to have one of them, there were 2 boys left: Sheldon and his adorable ginger brother. Initially, I wanted the lovely little ginger tabby so I went to Chris's house to meet my new baby. When I got there, the little ginger baby ran and hid under a pillow fort. It made me sad because I so desperately wanted a cat that would be social and cuddly. But then a tiny brown tabby walked right up to me and started to play. Sheldon chose me. Probably because he had some sort of kitten-sense that I am literally the only human in existence that has the patience to love him and live under his tyrannical rule. I am honored to have been chosen by this pin-headed floof and I will love and obey him forever.

I thought Sheldon would be the sweet, cuddly kitten of my dreams but he quickly proved to me that he was the opposite. As a kitten, Sheldon was.. well.. sharp. A fuzzy sack full of needles constantly hurling himself at my face. I tried to teach him that claws don't have to be extended at all times, but discipline was lost on this one. My very patient roommate, Whitney, and I even bought tiny little water guns to hide strategically around our loft. When we would squirt the little DevilCat, he'd look at us as if to say "What's that supposed to do? Scare me? No no no, humans. I am in charge here". Whitney and I gave him so many nicknames, our favorite being "Chupacabra Kitty".

In spite of being an evil tyrant, Sheldon does have a sweet side. When he was teeny tiny, bedtime was always a battle. He would try to murder me for at least 10 minutes and I'd have to hide under my quilt until he got it out of his system. Then, he would curl up on my chest and purr louder than I've ever heard a cat purr before. I live for those short, fleeting moments of kitten love.

Another favorite memory of Sheldon's first year of life is all the songs that Whitney and I made up about Sheldon (although I think the majority of the credit goes to Whitney). Here are my favorites:

"SheldonCat"
Sheldon Cat!
Sheldon Cat!
He is cute!
HE'S A CAT!!!!

"The BabyCat Song"
BabyCat, you cry a lot
BabyCat, you whine a lot
BabyCat! BabyCat!

BabyCat, you fight a lot
BabyCat, you scratch a lot
BabyCat! BabyCat!

"You're Not a Full-Sized Cat Just Yet"
You're not a full-sized cat just yet,
Cat just yet, cat just yet!
You're not a full-sized cat just yet,
You're BabyCat!

As he's grown older, Sheldon has chilled out. He still goes into murderous fits of rage every now and then, but he's got a pretty significant tummyflap that keeps him from performing any strenuous physical activity. He cuddles more and gives me lots of kitty kisses and does lots of stupid stuff to keep me entertained. I am so glad that this strange, pear-shaped, pin-headed, poop-headed cat chose me to be his human. Happy Birthday, you little butthead. Enjoy the wet food and the toy you will likely never touch. I love you more than I ever thought I could love anything.


Just for funz, here's a list of all the nicknames this dummy has been given over the years:

SheldonCat
Sheldo
Sheldorp
Shelderp
Sheldonica
BabyCat
Chupacabra Kitty
Small Thing
PartyCat
Tummy Flap
Little Pear
ButtholeCat
Pin Head
PoopHead
Boobalah
FatFat
DemonCat
DevilCat
Floof
Floof-Poof















BabyCat

Challenging Your Creativity

I believe that most, if not all, people have a creative side. I see a lot of people posting about getting "adult coloring books"--a new fad in which I surprisingly have not participated. Doing something creative, be it music, art, photography, carpentry, etc. is a wonderful outlet for any sort of pent-up energy and emotion.

Oftentimes, especially once we grow up and enter the "real world", we find out creativity stifled. Work takes up our time and energy and it's alarmingly easy, especially for myself, to end up spending all of our free time sitting in front of a TV, binge watching a show we care nothing about. Confession: Today I woke up at 11 and sat in front of my TV until 10:30 pm, only taking a single 30 minute break to shower.  SAD. My life is SAD. The point is: it's easy to make excuses and to feel a lack of energy when it comes to exercising our creativity.

I must admit that I was horrified by my own laziness today. I only get 2 days off each week. I could have done so many things such as LAUNDRY (I'm wearing a dirty work uniform as we speak) or finishing one of my 8 million half-written songs or, oh I don't know, exercising my body. Important things.

I work a night audit shift at a hotel every Thursday night and I have a ton of downtime. Tonight, as I was packing up my things, I decided to pack a sketchbook, colored pencils, and markers. I googled 30-day drawing challenges and chose the one I thought was the most interesting. I'm not very good at drawing, but I enjoy it and I want to get better.

Which brings me to my next point: You don't have to be a genius or a virtuoso to do creative things. You don't even have to show it to anyone else. Your creative outlet can be yours alone, or yours to share with the world. Whatever makes you happy.

To sum up, here are some steps to challenge your creativity:

1. Figure out what you love to do, or pick a new skill you'd like to learn. 

2. Find a 30-day, 90-day, any-amount-of-days challenge or create your own! I chose 30-day as a way to hold myself accountable. 

3. Enjoy yourself and bask in the glory of knowing you've done something worthwhile. Be proud of your work! 

I hope everyone who reads this adds a little fun and creativity to their life. I'm going to try--and I mean really try--to post my drawings as often as possible (I'm not about to make a daily promise when I know I'd never keep that up). I'd love to hear which activity you choose! Feel free to comment!

Happy creating!

Dead Ends

"Ahhh, post-grad life is where it's at!"

Said no one. Ever.

Actually it's not that bad. It has its perks, that's for sure. I don't have homework. I don't have to stay up until the buttcrack of dawn doing homework, only to wake up a couple hours later to miserably drag myself through another long day at school. I don't have a long list of deadlines constantly breathing down my neck. It's nice to not feel school stress.

But it sucks in a different kind of way.

In the maze of life, I can see the prize within reach: get my dream job at a great school with a great principle and wonderful students and supportive parents. But I'm hitting every. dead. end.

I have a college degree that I paid for with blood, sweat, and tears (and an entire life savings). I have a solid resume and impeccable references. But no one wants me. Interview after interview I'm passed over. I get a "We'll let you know by the end of the week" and nothing after that. I even got a "You interviewed beautifully!" only to get the typical "Sorry, but someone else worked out better". You'd think I would have learned to stop getting my hopes up by now, but I do so time and time again. New opportunities keep popping up and I keep coming up short.

I read a blog recently that shared a website where you can get paid to teach English over the Internet. I thought, "This is it! This is perfect!"

I started fantasizing (as I always do) about how much better everything was going to be once I got this job. Set my own hours: awesome! Set my own price: Even more awesome! Work from home: Holy Jesus, I think I just hit the career jackpot! So I went to the website and, lo and behold, they weren't taking any applications for English teachers. Of course. Another dead end. Why should I have expected anything different?

There's a certain level of embarrassment and shame that comes with not being where you'd like to be. When you run into people you knew in high school while you're working at the mall and all you can think is "Shit, they caught me working for minimum wage at 24. They caught me being unsuccessful".  There is literally nothing worse than this exchange:

"Hi, welcome to Silly Overpriced Store! What can I help you shop for today?"  ... Oh God, we went to high school together 

"Oh, hi, I'm just looking for clothes for work. I just got hired at *dream job*.... hey, didn't we go to high school together?! OMG how are you? What are you up to now? It's so good to see you!"

"Oh, you know, just working.. interviewing.. post-grad things.. and stuff...." working for minimum wage and babysitting a bunch of entitled 18-year-olds and  basically failing at life and WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

Seriously the most mortifying conversation one can have.

In spite of these embarrassing encounters, I try to keep a positive outlook on the situation. It's only temporary. Yes, I'll still be living with my parents at 25 but hey, I won't be paying rent! And I was able to afford a car on my minimum wages. That was a huge step forward for me. And maybe I can turn these dead ends into new opportunities to revisit my dreams of old. I can focus on songwriting again, and maybe get an album recorded. Instead of being bound and suffocated by the maze walls, I can break them down and rebuild the maze entirely.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that life will probably not go the way you want or intend for it to go. This is a perfect opportunity to reevaluate what you want out of life. It's easy to wallow in self-pity and defeat, but it's just as easy to pull your energies together and focus on making a different dream come true. Maybe that's the Universe's way of telling you that your priorities were misguided. I'm going to take the hint and let another dream ride shotgun with me for a while and see how it goes.

So you think the solution is simple?

All this talk of domestic violence and abuse has me reflecting upon my experiences over the past few years. If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I intended to start a blog series on overcoming negative cycles in life. As usual, I did not follow through with my blog series plan because I got distracted by work and socializing and a new boyfriend and all of those sorts of things. However, the topic of abuse hits home with me, because that was my negative cycle. I spent about four or five years in various relationships which were mostly psychologically and emotionally abusive (luckily, I never experienced full on physical abuse, although it came pretty close a couple of times). The tweets about #WhyIStayed are incredibly important and I relate to so many of them. They are what has inspired me to write this blog.

My plan for this blog post is to put you in the mindset of the abuse victim and to see exactly the kind of muddled up reality we are/were forced to live in. A lot of this is going to be things that I haven't told very many people.

During college, I dated a series of guys who, whether they knew it or not, did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I don't want to single any one of them out, so I will go through general topics as opposed to specific relationships.

I often felt inadequate. I would be told to be a certain way, try my hardest to become what he wanted, and still not be good enough. All I wanted was to be loved and supported by someone but I would be told to be more like someone else.

I was forced to do things I didn't want to do. I won't go into gory details. But this was not pleasant. And no one deserves this.

I was isolated. Jealousy prevented me from being able to form strong friendships in college. One guy wouldn't even let me hang out with my female friends and I spent most of a semester cooped up in his dingy apartment, unable to even sleep in my own dorm room. Wedges were driven between my family and me. During one relationship, I lost the ability to communicate completely. I pretended my relationship was perfect because I didn't know how to tell people that I was miserable. I withdrew from school for a semester and thought about never going back (which actually proved beneficial in the end, after the devastating breakup). I was taught to believe that everyone outside the small circle we had formed was not to be trusted, that they wouldn't understand me, and that they would judge me and hate me for my lifestyle and beliefs. And that's how I lived for a while. Cooped up in another apartment, afraid to venture out.

I felt trapped. This is probably the main reason women stay. They feel there is no way out. There was one boyfriend with whom a break up would never stick. I can't remember the details (probably because my brain doesn't want to), but I couldn't make the breakup last. Something would always happen and I would feel guilty so I would stay. It finally got to the point to where I thought I had to do something that would make him so mad he would never forgive me.

I felt confused. My words would get twisted around. Any time there was conflict, the blame always seemed to land on me. I needed to fix things. I was the abuser. He never said that. I'm remembering incorrectly. I'm the one with the jealousy issues. He's sacrificed plenty for this relationship; I need to sacrifice more. I need to speak up and let him know what my needs are, but not that way! No. I did it wrong. I do everything wrong. I can't come to him with that. I couldn't go to my own boyfriend for emotional support. Even when I did what I thought he wanted it was wrong. Everything was my fault.

I was afraid. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid of being left behind. One boyfriend made me feel guilty for still being in college and I felt pressured to finish as fast as I could because I was afraid of being left behind. Another boyfriend actually threw things when I tried to break up with him and I had to have two of my guy friends escort me back to my dorm where I had a panic attack in the shower. Worst of all, I was afraid of what would happen post-break up. I don't think any person should ever have to be afraid of life post-break up. I think that is the loneliest, scariest place I have ever been. This goes hand in hand with the isolation. I thought I would have no one. Nothing. I thought breaking up would leave me with no friends, no family, no one to support me or understand me.


This is what emotional abuse looks like. And I'm reluctant to post this because it is so personal. And I know the guys I'm talking about aren't inherently evil people.

But maybe I should qualify it. It is what it is. This is what happened. Obviously, I'm still experiencing reverberations. I find myself in this moment thinking, "What if it was my fault? What if I am the problem?" I'm all for recognizing that I am human too and I know I do some awful things sometimes. I hope I've taken responsibility for everywhere that I actually did wrong. But where am I taking too much responsibility?

The Cycle

In life, we all have cycles. We meet the same types of people over and over until we learn the lesson and break free. Some lessons are easy and others can really suck and be difficult to break. The key is being able to trust yourself, love yourself, and forgive yourself throughout the entire process. That is how we grow and come to know ourselves as we truly are, which is strong, capable, and beautiful.

One of my cycles has been meeting people who are emotionally and psychologically oppressive (I'm not here to demonize anyone, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying). Sometimes oppression is intentional, other times it's not. But it's been present in many of my  relationships including, but not limited to, my romantic, platonic, and familial relationships.

Seeing a cycle in your life is often a sign of something within yourself that needs to be addressed, and this can be difficult, especially if you (like me) have felt victimized. However, when it comes to human relationships and karmic bundles, the thing to remember is that like attracts like. The common saying associated with the concept of karma is "what goes around comes around". So, if you find yourself surrounded by negativity, take a moment to evaluate what you may or may not have sent around.

Self-inquiry is the most important part of having a spiritual life. Or, really, the human experience itself. It is our responsibility to assess ourselves and how we impact the world around us because that is how true change comes about. Change your output to create a better reality for everyone involved. Simple. :)

But sometimes what we confront isn't pretty. It doesn't fit our ideal version of ourselves. We feel shame. And shame sucks. Shame really, really sucks. It ties your insides in knots and makes you think really terrible things about yourself. It can be isolating, because admitting something that makes you feel ashamed is difficult. How will others react? What if they won't love me anymore? These are real concerns.

But everyone deals with this. There's not a single person walking around that doesn't have a negative cycle that makes them feel ashamed. And if they say they don't, you can be certain they're lying. To me, it's comforting to remind myself that everyone lies, everyone is mean sometimes, everyone gets angry or sad. The hiding is what hurts us the most, I think.

This is where self-love and forgiveness comes in. Love yourself in spite of your flaws. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
There's a verse in the Bible that says "love your neighbor as yourself" and I think this gets misunderstood. Most of the time, the church tells us we are selfish creatures and should therefore try to love people more. But in my opinion, we don't love ourselves enough.  You can't give what you don't have. If you don't love yourself very much and you are trying to live out this verse, you're not going to love your neighbor very much. But if you love yourself through the struggles and forgive yourself along the way, then you can truly love and forgive another.

Well, this ended up being a long winded blog about self-love and self-forgiveness. I don't think I went off-track, but I also don't want you to have to sit through an entire novel of breaking negative cycles in one sitting, so I'll leave you with this to munch on for a few days and I'll revisit the subject.

Happy Sunday, all :)

Point of Light

There's a point of light
That lives inside of me.
It is me
And it isn't me.
It has no name,
Only beauty.
Wisdom.
Purity.
Innocence.
I know this point of light.
This point of light is the entire universe.

There's another being
With whom I am familiar.
She is me
And she isn't me.
Her name is Abigail,
And she is beautiful.
Ugly.
Loving.
Hateful.
I know this other being.
This being--Abigail--is a dream.

This poem was inspired by one of the early chapters in Adyashanti's The End of Your World. This book is basically a guide to the experience of awakening and everything to follow. The chapter I read this evening was titled "I Got It, I Lost It" and it really struck some chords with me.

In this chapter, Adya speaks about what it's like to know the deeper nature of reality while simultaneously living in a state of separation. He describes some spiritual pitfalls and other obstacles one may face.

These topics all rang true with my recent and current experience. I had a mystical experience a few months ago which led me to spiritual awakening. I had what Adya describes as a "honeymoon" phase with my awakening; everything was fine and dandy, I was a newer, nicer person who would never be negative again (warning: major pitfall). I had it! But as a couple months went by and school got crazy (see? Here I am blaming school), I lost it. Adya mentions that this is entirely normal and reiterates that it is nothing the individual does wrong, just a rough patch in the road to enlightenment.

Thus, this poem was inspired. I've met my true spirit. I know for a fact that in the deepest sense of reality, I am that beautiful, innocent point of light. However, I must also acknowledge that the Abigail I know is also a part of my spiritual experience and she won't always act from love, kindness, and compassion. Sometimes, she's pretty terrible.

But I can't hide from her or oppress her. All I can do is accept her and everything she may do, good or bad, and eventually, the point of light will integrate with the Abigail and the Abigail will be influenced by the light.

Anyway. Long winded explanation for a little poem.

Sweet dreams, friends. :)

p.s. Come see my ego perform some classical singing on Thursday night at 6:30 in Roxy Grove!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) <3

An Introduction to Spirituality

Hey, friends. I'm here introducing a blog series I'd like to write.

Recently, I've begun a journey into my own spiritual realm and I'd like to share it with you as I go along.

I believe we are witnessing a global spiritual revolution. Another "enlightenment", so to speak. Think about it--more and more people are seeing truth in what is commonly referred to as "New Age" spirituality (I'm not attaching my beliefs to any one label, I just know that labels can be helpful and that's the ballpark I fall nearest to). This revolutionary spiritual perspective has taken its truths from major world religions including, but not limited to, Christianity, Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism.

This avenue of thought is universal while also being very personal. It is so complex and multifaceted that I could never fully grasp it, much less try and explain it in a single blog post. I'll share what I have found to be true. My personal spiritual perspective is brand new, though it has been in development for twenty-three years.

I believe we are all members of one consciousness, divided only by the fact that we are in physical human bodies, and these bodies came with an ego. Thus, the universality and individuality existing simultaneously. When I think about all of us being members of One, life and everything about life is given a beauty that language could never accurately express. Every animal, every plant, every rock and body of water becomes so precious.

This notion gives the saying "treat others how you would like to be treated" more gravity. This means, everything you do, everything you say, everything you think, you are doing, saying, and thinking to or about yourself. Doesn't that just make you want to emit nothing but love and kindness?

Now, you can't be a thing and not experience negativity. There are tons of fluffy, flowery things I can say, but that doesn't mean I'm just ignoring the negativity and I don't believe you can be immune to it. You will encounter bad energy and you will experience unpleasantries is life. The secret is how you deal with it. And this is the challenge for every living being. It's not easy.

And that's the basics of what I believe. Seems simple--and it is--but it's highly complex.

Some of the things I hope to address in this series include:
Dealing with negativity
Energy
Scientific explanations
God and the divinity within yourself
Caring for yourself
Caring for the earth
Fitting in with society

And any other realizations I may stumble upon.

One thing to remember, though, is that this is my personal experience, and that it could never match yours. You may come to similar conclusions or completely different ones. Just don't take anything I say as an absolute authority. You'll find that within yourself. :)

Namaste

On Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes, it's easy, like when a friend flakes on your plans. Sometimes, it's difficult, like when someone you love has broken your heart. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Sometimes, you have to forgive yourself. 

In college, I've had my heart broken by two men. For that, I forgive them. 

In college, I've broken the hearts of these two men. For that, I forgive myself. 

Back in April, I began to talk to the first of these two men again. It started out as just small talk, catching up on our lives and such. It eventually evolved into talking about the relationship we had. The good times, the bad times. It included apologizing for where we went wrong and acknowledging that we cut each other deep. Looking back on the painful things is a healthy part of recovery. I really enjoyed being able to talk to him and share my feelings about everything that happened between us. We saw the mistakes we made and I think we are both learning from them so we can make our future relationships easier and stronger. And it's just nice to have a friend in him again. We shared an emotional intimacy that I now find difficult to cultivate with people and it's nice to have someone with whom I can share. 

Our personalities are far too similar to make a romantic relationship work. Both introverted, both extremely passionate, and both passive-aggressive in conflicts. Our feelings for each other were intense form the beginning, but this also fueled our rage, making conflicts unbearably terrible. Knowing this makes it easy to be his friend without wanting to pursue anything romantically with him. Being of a similar personality type makes it easy for me to listen and empathize with him as he talks to me about difficult things. I still care deeply and his whole life has been difficult. I know he longs to be understood and I'm glad that I can be at least one person in his life with whom he can share the difficult things. Everyone deserves that. And in return, he's able to listen to me and remains a valuable friend in my life. 

The second man had the most profound effect on my life. I was convinced that we were going to spend our lives together. It was all that I wanted.  When we ended things, life got messy. And I mean messy. I said that I would never speak to him again. I'd had this plan that if we split, I would call him on my 25th birthday, after growing up a little bit, and see what was up with him. After our breakup, however, I had sworn this idea off. I wanted to forget him and try my hardest to erase our entire time together from my life. Unfortunately, that never works. Side note: I've been watching Once Upon a Time and a character just said, "As wretched as it is, I need my pain." This really resonated with me. I spent months trying to mute it all with the help of beer and other distractions, but that never worked. There are no words to accurately describe the misery. I was deep in the pit. I was sad, I was angry, but worst of all, I was still in love. The last thing I wanted to feel for this guy was love. 

Over the next few months, I progressed toward recovery from this devastation. About a week ago, I received an email from him containing the songs that we had recorded with Five Iron Frenzy. This email also contained something I never, ever thought I would get: an apology. I had to reply. In my better state, I've been focusing on being the best version of myself. And my best self doesn't like to let the good deeds of others go unnoticed. I thanked him for his apology and we agreed that the day we spent in the studio with Five Iron Frenzy was one of our favorite experiences we shared. We began to reminisce and we talked about everything, good and bad. We apologized for everything we did wrong to each other, which is a lot. We were both depressed and searching for our purposes. In our states, we lost the ability to communicate and we let other people and other things get in the way. Neither of us stopped loving, we just got angry and resented each other for every little thing. It's just so sad how something so wonderful was ruined. 

There's a freedom I've experienced in finally forgiving this man. I'm experiencing a wide range of complicated emotions, but it's much better than being angry all the time. That was exhausting. My eyes have also been opened to some issues I've been experiencing, specifically my inability to connect with people. I thought I just didn't trust men anymore and that I'd rather be alone that be in pain again, but that's not entirely true. It's more that I don't want to let anyone in because I haven't detached myself from the life I was building in my head. I had committed myself to the idea of sharing a life with this guy and I haven't let go of that. This is the reason I've been so emotionally unavailable to men. I just don't click with anyone the way I clicked with him. Now, I'm not saying I want to get back together because I can't be certain that I won't get hurt again. I just finally have some insight as to why I am the way that I am. 

What I'm trying to say here (a tl;dr, if you will), is that anger is a crutch. It's a part of grief that you can't hang onto forever because it will eat you alive. Forgiveness brings relief and freedom, even when you think you'll never recover from the pain. 

I understand that this blog post may get misinterpreted, so I want to open up lines of discussion for anyone who desires clarification on anything I have mentioned here. Please, feel free to express concerns or ask questions. 

Soundtrack for this post: "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette and Engine of a Million Plots by Five Iron Frenzy

22 Reflections on Being 22.

In one week, I will no longer be 22.

*cue Taylor Swift joke*

22 has been the hardest year of my life so far. A lot of things changed in my external and internal worlds. I thought I had everything figured out but all the plans I had made, or, really, the fantasies I had, turned on me, and quite violently. I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the things that had the most significant impact on my life and offer a summary of what I learned in my 358 days of being 22.


22. Maintain relationships.
New, old, family, friends... Having a supportive group of people on whom you can fall is one of the most important things a young woman (or man) can have. Be careful of your friends and stay away from those who are toxic. They'll provide you with a false sense of security. A parachute made of paper will only rip in the wind. I've always been bad about maintaining relationships with people I don't see every day. While in the company of my false "family", as I had come to call them, I disappeared from everyone else I knew. Luckily, my true friends and family were there when everything fell to pieces. But don't bank on that. Keep those relationships strong now so that you won't have to worry about anything falling to pieces in the first place.

21. Don't work too hard.
Parents, teachers, and other students place a lot of pressure on us to get out of school on time, with 4.0 GPAs and other ridiculous expectations. While working hard is good and can boost confidence and make us feel accomplished, it also bogs us down and wears us out. Leave time for fun. You're in college. Enjoy it. I have seen too many people taking 21 hour semesters and I don't understand how they can do it. I mean, kudos to them for handling that amount of work, but, again, you're in college. It only happens once, so enjoy it while you can!

20. Learn how to be alone.
This is hard. I'm an introvert, and this is hard. In recent months, however, I have learned to enjoy being alone and I actually prefer it most of the time. I believe that introverts and extroverts both solitude in order to maintain sanity. I recently discovered that I love mornings. Not my 8 am mornings. But if I have the time to wake up slowly, see the sun shining its yellow light into my living room and drink some coffee and eat a fresh cooked breakfast, it really makes for a spectacular day. I like to use that time to sit and think and just slowly prepare myself for the day. Mornings are so peaceful and refreshing. So yeah. Solitude. Peace. Quiet. I recommend it.

19. Don't date mommy haters.
I CANNOT REITERATE THIS ENOUGH. IF A GUY DOES NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR HIS MOTHER, HE WILL NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR YOU. Please protect yourself and don't think that you can fix anyone. You can't. Don't let anyone make significant life changes such as moving to another city for you or putting off a goal for you. It only leads to resentment. Don't change yourself for anyone, either, because then you'll end up lost and confused and stressed out beyond reason. Ultimately, you'll only end up hurt and it really, really, really sucks. Date wisely.

18. Stay out all night.
Because you can. I'm pretty sure a common theme in this post will be "Have fun. Enjoy your life. What other point is there?" Go dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex or something.

17. Keep a journal.
I've kept journals since I was a kid. It feels silly at first, but sometimes you have things to say that you can't really say to anyone. And sometimes, you just don't know how to talk to people about what's going on. Journaling has been tremendously helpful for me in the past year. With all the drama in my life, I completely forgot how to confide in people. Well, really I just felt like I couldn't trust anyone with my real feelings. Journaling helped me become familiar with what I was feeling. Also, I stumble around words when trying to communicate verbally, so it helped me outline how I could tell people how I felt.

16. Be creative.
I mean, I know everyone's different and everyone has their thing that makes them feel alive, but I just love the feeling of stepping back from a song, painting, or photo I've finished and perfected and saying, "I made this." There's just nothing like it in the world. I guess I can call that joy. I feel joy when I create things. Even if no one else will ever see it. Even if you feel as though you don't have a creative bone in your body, I would encourage you to at least try something creative once in a while. It doesn't even have to be "artistic" necessarily. Build a computer. Learn to crochet. Take a cooking class. And for all of you artistic types, try something outside your discipline. I mentioned in an earlier post that from my perspective, all art is connected and I've found that by doing things such as drawing, painting, or photography clears out my brain and brings new perspective into other creative aspects of my life, specifically music. Make friends with artists of all types. Don't just stay in your niche. Because we can all learn from one another and give valuable feedback that may be completely different from what we experience on a day to day basis.

15. Do something crazy.
It's good to leave your comfort zone every now and then. Dye your hair (I went purple!). Get a piercing or a tattoo (mine is a tiger lily). This is a time for experimentation and really establishing who you are as an individual.

14. Do something stupid, but not too stupid.
Make a couple of bad decisions. Go to that concert in Dallas even though you have a test at 8 am the next morning. Eat an entire loaf of French bread while watching movies at your best friend's boyfriend's house (this might make your tummy hurt). Steal beer from a frat party-- they probably won't even notice it's missing. Just don't go all Walter White and start cooking meth or anything.

13. Try as many new things as you possibly can.
Eat exotic foods. Learn to play an instrument. Try your hand at painting or a new sport. I tried photography and it's turning out to be one of my favorite new hobbies! You never know what you might be good at until you try it. This is one thing you won't want to procrastinate. Age will catch up to you sooner or later and you don't want to be left with any "what ifs".

12. Eat well and exercise.
I'm so terrible at exercising. And honestly, the only reason I actually exercise on a regular basis is because I'm enrolled in a running class for school. But I definitely feel great after a run! I like running because it's a solo activity. I don't have to pay attention to too many things, just my body, my mind, and my breath. Same thing with yoga. I looooove a good yoga session. First thing in the morning. There's nothing more peaceful than a quiet sun salutation to wake you up and make you excited to start your day. Eating well is surprisingly easy for me. I mean, I love my carbs. Bread is my favorite food. I stir fry 5 nights out of the week with chicken, vegetables, and jasmine rice. Stir fry is fun because I can experiment with flavors and different kinds of veggies. And I just feel like I function better when I eat mostly fresh ingredients. It's just hard to keep my cat from stealing my dinner!

11. Be selfish.
I do this thing in relationships where I put the other person's needs so far ahead of my own that I forget about my needs entirely. That's not healthy. I will willingly settle for less than ideal or even put myself in uncomfortable situations to avoid hurting feelings. As an INFP, I'm an extremely empathetic being and feeling someone else's disappointment and hurt feelings is unbearable. But by ignoring my own needs, I'm doing myself a great disservice. It has made me into a pushover and it makes me unable to be assertive. So be assertive. Selfishness isn't all bad. You need to be able to look out for yourself.

10. Be spontaneous.
The majority of my memorable moments over the last year have been the last second "let's do this" decisions. There's a certain excitement in not knowing very little detail.

9. Treat yo' self.
First of all, Parks and Recreation is one of the greatest TV shows ever and this episode was perfect. The idea is to have one day where you treat yourself. Donna and Tom got manicures and went shopping. And, just as it's good to do nice things for other people, it's good to do nice things for yourself.

8. Go for a drive.
The experience where I had my emotional turnaround from bottom of the pit to top of the mountain was when I had to take landscape photos for class. I got in my car, drove South, turned left and just drove. I didn't worry about keeping track, I had a GPS in my phone for when it was time to come home. And it was liberating. I feel as though I will always remember that driving trip. I can't really explain the difference to you. But I left in tears and came home feeling happier than I have in years. And I still feel great! So don't worry about getting lost. Go explore. Maybe you'll find a park or a lake or just see some beautiful things you never knew existed.

7. GO OUTSIDE.
Have you seen just how beautiful the earth is? If you can't find beauty where you are, change your perspective. There is beauty in every place, you just have to get out of your bubble and go explore. Find new things. The sun gives you vitamin D, which helps you feel happy. If you notice yourself feeling a tad zombified, reflect on how often you've been outside in the past few days. No matter how often you go outside, it could never hurt to go out again. I like to go on hikes in parks. I like to go by myself so I can find a peaceful place to read and just be. Being indoors for too long makes me feel trapped. I need the open space. 

6. Don't be too cynical.
Now, I have a tendency to be a little cynical. Mostly regarding school. Too much cynicism can bring everyone down, though, so I try not to over-do it.

5. Invest in your hobbies.
Another point I can't stress enough. Do what you love. Set aside time each day or week or whatever your schedule allows and do something your truly enjoy doing. It's a wonderful stress relief.

4. Make plans for your future...
I used to think not having a plan of any sort was the way to go about things. Just let them happen the way that they happen. I think this caused me stress rather than making me feel like I had freedom. Knowing I want to go to Nashville to pursue my music/art career actually gives me motivation to finish school.

3. ...But leave them open-ended.
While this Nashville plan is all nice and good, I know that things can change in an instant and Nashville may turn out to be a dead end. As long as I know that plans can change and that I may change my mind later on keeps disappointment at bay. I like to say, "I live my life in pencil," meaning that if things change, I can neatly erase it instead of having painful, gross scratch marks.

2. Travel.
Being a native Texan, I don't travel much outside our massive state. Mostly because air travel is not only a huge pain, but it's rather expensive. And trying to drive out of Texas... Well... That's just silly. Dating a financially privileged guy had a few perks, one of those being the means for travel. I took a life changing road trip with him to California and the beauty of the American Southwest is absolutely insane! Costa Rica was in the works, but we weren't able to go. So I've yet to leave the U. S., but that will happen as soon as it possibly can! I need to see the world. It's too beautiful to miss out on!

1. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF.
Simple concept, most difficult thing to actually achieve. In my case, at least. My ex always told me "You can't love someone else unless you can love yourself". He wasn't wrong, he just happened to be a terrible facilitator of self-love. It's too easy to listen to the people telling you all the things to dislike about yourself. And I don't really have any advice on how to achieve self-love. It's just a thing that happened, and it was completely out of the blue. I think self-love is the result of a combination of all of these things that I've been discussing in this post. I was in Dallas, alone, treating myself to some coffee and breakfast and it just happened. I was feeling rather low, like nothing was ever going to go my way and then something just clicked and now everything is better.




In conclusion, you're a young twenty-something. Everything is still very new, only now you have to freedom to explore it for yourself. So enjoy life, and try not to let things get to you.

Happy Tuesday!






Soundtrack for this post: The Valley by Eisley

On Art, Emotion, and My Early Twenties

It's true what they say about finding yourself in college. In high school, you think you know who you are, but you are mistaken. You try on some hats and some of them fit and some of them don't but even the ones that fit wear down after a while. College is where you learn that you don't need a hat. That everyone has bad hair days and it's best not to hide from them.

I'm a natural procrastinator and I definitely waited until the last minute to really start soul searching. I spent my first two years trying (unsuccessfully) to fit in with the crowd and dress, talk, and act like everyone else around me, but that soon became exhausting. Right before my junior year, I had a rough breakup and met a guy (with whom I would have an even worse breakup) who really pushed me to find my true self. I'm pretty sure that's the only positive impact he had on my life. But we won't go there tonight.

My junior year in college is when I began to question everything I thought I knew about myself. Do I really want to continue in music? Is there something better out there? Can I do more? Am I just stuck here forever?? And the seeming finality of my music education degree coming to a close suffocated me until I decided that I had to take a break from it and experience new things. Different things. I'd been a music freak my entire life. I liked my music hat, but the colors had faded.

In the spring of my first Senior year, I did not enroll in classes. I began to paint periodically. I'd paint things for my boyfriend to hang on the walls of his apartment. I even sponge painted his bedroom wall (and it looked AWESOME). The painting was therapeutic for me. There were a lot going on in my life that were not pleasant but I could escape all of that by listening to Jaymay or Brandi Carlile or The Rocket Summer and gently stroking my weary soul with the soft bristles of a paintbrush. It's nice to let your emotions course through your blood, letting your body release everything for a moment.

Our breakup was life-changing. It is the most difficult thing I have experienced so far. But it led me to my real passion for music: Songwriting. I wrote so much music. I experienced a variety of emotions, but mostly sadness, confusion, and anger. I find it hard to describe my music for some reason. Songwriting is such an intimate experience for me. I get real with myself. I examine and reexamine until I can get the exact words to match the way I feel. This intimacy gives me a deep emotional connection to my music. It's just so real. That summer I also enrolled in a drawing class at my local community college where I learned that I can actually make a decent drawing, and this soon became another form of artistic therapy.

The most intense art therapy session occurred while I was driving around central and north Texas taking landscape photos for my photography class. The week before had been rough. I had been struggling with letting something go and I just felt low every day. I was afraid that I was falling back into the pit that I had been working so hard to escape. On the way to Dallas, I saw an exit for Bear Creek Road. One of my favorite albums is Brandi Carlile's Bear Creek, so I decided to throw that album on and see where Bear Creek Road would lead me. I ended up discovering this beautiful nature reserve and getting some nice shots. Since I wasn't ready to go home and face my issues, I decided to take myself on a date to one of my favorite spots in Dallas, a local diner called Café Brasil. I ordered my bottomless coffee and migas just as always and I sat and I thought and I hung out with myself for the evening. During this time with myself, I discovered the answer to my dilemma. I enjoy being on my own. This reasoning may be selfish, but when I'm on my own, I don't have to answer to anyone or worry so much about hurting someone's feelings by doing what I want to do. As I sat alone in a Café on a Saturday night, I liked myself for the first time in years.

There's something about creating that makes me feel like I'm truly in my element. I can't thrive in an environment that doesn't allow for creativity. And that's where my problem with music education lies. I'm only saying this as a fact about myself; I know things are different for everyone, but I don't feel as though I have the creative freedom to really feel fulfilled. Education is a wonderful thing and I know so many people who do feel fulfilled through teaching and that is beautiful. Those people are beautiful and should be given much more appreciation and recognition than they receive. I, however, am not one of those people.

When I told my family that I want to move to Nashville after graduation and become a "professional hobbyist" (as I like to call it), they weren't thrilled. They don't understand that I need to have the freedom to express myself through different forms of art. They worry that I'll end up broke and homeless, and that's a valid concern, but I can't imagine doing the exact same thing day after day. That's how school became such a burden for me. Too much time doing things for everyone else and no time to take care of myself. I'm going to Nashville and I'm going to write my music, make my paintings, and take my photos and hope that by taking care of myself, I can share my creations with others and help them take care of themselves. It just feels right.



Just a side note:
I wish music wasn't such an isolated community here at Baylor. I don't know how it is in other places, but I wish there were more opportunities to be creative in different ways. I get bored and exhausted when I focus on one thing for too long. And all art is connected. The same concepts are used in each discipline, each in its own, unique way. That's fascinating. I feel like that should be the basis for community, but instead, there's a separation and a lack of knowledge and understanding, which is unfortunate.

Sunday Morning Musings

I'm going to start treating Sundays as "New Beginning Days". The previous week is over. The good, the bad, and the mundane are all in the past. Holding on to any of it will only hold me back. Some weeks, I'll go to church with my favorite couple Stephen and Destiny. Some weeks will be like this week where I sit alone, drink delicious coffee, and ponder. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll veg out and watch TV all day, maybe I'll go out and have an adventure. Maybe I'll see people and maybe I won't. No matter what I do, I will see it as a new beginning. I will let go of the last seven days and I will let myself be free.

This last week had so much going on, it felt like an entire month had passed by the time it was over. I had a huge project looming over my head. I had to assert what I know to be best for myself and people got hurt. I saw one of my favorite bands live for the first time and experienced pure euphoria.

But that's all over. And that's okay. In fact, it's beautiful. If I hang on to the past (even the good), I leave no room to love the present, which is really where it's at, amirite? 

*Inhale fresh air*

*Exhale old air*

Everything is new.

Soundtrack to this post: "Every New Day" by Five Iron Frenzy

Six Month Progress Report

It's been nearly six months since my most life-altering event yet so I felt the need to do a little progress report. And it may not be as positive as I had hoped. 

There's something about ending a relationship that you thought was invincible that changes something inside of you.  When you build a life in your mind that revolves around one person that you loved more than you ever thought possible and you realize all those fantasies are, well... just fantasies. When you feel empty. When you have to force yourself out of bed in the morning. When you have to tear yourself away from the computer screen on which you watched the entire series of How I Met Your Mother in just a few weeks just so that you can be reminded that your college experience didn't bring you life long friendships like Lily, Marshall, and Ted. 

And I'm not exaggerating. 

I'm thankful that I was able to spend my summer in Houston. God knows I'd be a complete wreck if I had tried to tough it out in Waco. And thank God I didn't have to try an endure finals on top of everything else that happened. Thank God for friends like Sami, Moe, Leo, and all of the other wonderful people I met for being there. I miss everyone terribly. 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent most of my summer trying to drown out my thoughts with nightly trips to The Flying Saucer and endless socialization. Trying to fill the void where Abby used to be with bubbly, amber goodness. I'm really just walking around in this shell that looks like me on the outside. But it doesn't feel like me on the inside. It doesn't feel like anything, really. Sometimes it feels like anger, which is the closest thing to feeling alive. Sometimes it feels like drunk, which is really just to mute the sad, which seems to be ever-present. 

You'd think six months would have made this easier. 

This all sounds so emo and childish and I hate that it's so real. It's just stupid. It makes me feel stupid. And that's why I try not to talk about it. First, because I don't want to be that person always whining about their ex, because who wants to hang out with that person (but I'm that person way more often than I'd care to admit)? Second, because I know it's stupid and I don't want to feel these things or think about those people but it won't go away. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, it's in the back of my mind. 

And because of this, I'm afraid of everyone. I don't trust anyone. I try so hard to let my guard down and let people in, but I can't anymore. I prefer the loneliness, I guess. I've noticed recently that I can't even make eye contact with people. It makes me uncomfortable, like they're going to see something about me that isn't worth liking. 

He emailed me on Sunday. Said he was in Denver and Five Iron Frenzy asked about me. I lashed out and told him he's never to answer for me since he's shown that he can't properly represent me. I told him not to ask about me. That I didn't want to be his business and I didn't want him to be mine. I almost ended my response with, "I still love you and I hate it," but I decided it was unnecessary and I deleted it. But it's true. For some stupid reason, I still love this man who lies and schemes and manipulates and I loathe myself for it. I should hate him. I should despise him. Yet I think about him nearly every second of every day. I dream about him. I've dreamed about having conversations with him that go absolutely nowhere. And I hate how I feel after waking up. 

I hate being back in Waco. There's too much here. But I have to get a degree. I hate you, America, for basically making college mandatory. And so expensive. It isn't fair. Some of us just can't handle it. There's too much pressure to conform to too many people's ideas of who you should and shouldn't be. All I want is to be left alone. 

I don't have the energy to deal with Baylor again. I'm going to crack under the pressure. I'm going to disappoint more people. I just don't feel ready to go back. I'm afraid. I just don't care anymore. Other people care so much about grades and GPA and they don't realize that there's more to life than the number 4. 

My parents don't believe in therapy. I wish I could change that because I honestly need it. I don't need medicine, I just need someone to talk to. A professional. Someone who can help me come to terms with things I've experienced in college because it hasn't been pretty. 

There are people I wish I had never met. Things I wish I had never done. But I have to remember that regret can't change the past. 

I'm sorry if this has been ridiculously depressing and slightly worrisome. I just thought it was fair that everyone knew what my brain was up to. I miss Houston. I miss Home.  

Sitting on a Park Bench

I recently finished Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story, and let me tell you, it is life changing. First of all, let's talk about the author. Donald Miller is probably best known for Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, which is a great book that I haven't read in years. Even though I've only read two of his works, Donald Miller now sits alongside Neil Gaiman, J.K. Rowling, and Ray Bradbury as one of my favorite authors. I find Donald Miller's honesty and practicality to be refreshing. He is eloquent and descriptive, yet he doesn't sugar coat. I feel like we're friends, like I really got to know him and I like that.

I read this book over a span of two days. One was spent in a Starbucks and the other on a park bench. The day on the park bench is what I'm here to talk about. The book, as a whole, relates life to a story. Donald talks about the time spent turning one of his books into a movie. He had to move parts of the story and even add to it in order to make it something a person would pay money to sit and watch for an hour or two. The main concept of story, as Donald learns, is that:

1. There must be a character.
2. We must like said character.
3. The character must want something.
4. The character must overcome hardship and make sacrifices in order to obtain this something.

And this relates to life in many ways. It was going through this process that Donald realized he wanted to make his life into a better story. In the book, he tells us some of his "practice stories" like when he called his dad after thirty years or when he biked across the U.S.

As I was sitting on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas (not far from his former home in Pearland, TX), the scenarios and feelings he described kept hitting home in deep ways. I read about his breakup with the girl he thought he was going to marry and thought about my recent breakup with a guy I thought I might marry one day. He wrote of the numbness that followed and I examined my own numbness. Then, he shared with us the day he decided to let go and feel the pain that he knew was there. To let the bones break and the blood from his broken heart spill onto the floor. My friends, I sat on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas and wept over the loss of someone whom I loved more than anyone else before. Someone I loved more than I thought I was capable.

I realized I had been pretending that I didn't care. Pretending that I thought he was scum and not worthy of my tears. But on that bench, under the sun, I allowed myself to grieve. And the release is beyond words.

I learned so much more in the two days that I spent reading this book than I learned in the last four years I've spent in college. I learned  that there is no good story without hardship. That the trials we face and the pain we endure make our story better. They make our character better.

Reading about the elements of story applied to life caused me to reevaluate the way I've been looking at my current situation. I just moved back to Houston from Waco because things got rough in school, I broke off my serious relationship, and I felt like no one loved me or cared about me. It was all about me, me, me. Everyone was so mean to me. Now, I want this sadness and loneliness to make my story and my character better.  I want to become stronger. I am stronger than I think I am. It took courage and strength to end that relationship. It took a strength that I didn't even know I had. I guess that's what risk and sacrifice do. They show you that you're stronger than you think.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am brave.

I will take risks in life. I won't settle for a mediocre story. I want an epic.

So I will make it.

Gnocchi Bake, Take One!

Inspired by my roommate Paige Brown, I've made an "I don't want to go grocery shopping" recipe. :] Since I'm moving out in a few days, obviously, I don't want to go buy a crap ton of food, so I decided to see what I could do with the random things in my kitchen.

I found:
A box of gnocchi
Some pasta sauce
Pizza cheese
Chicken

With these things, I decided to try and make a gnocchi bake. Here is my process:
Preheat oven to 350.
While oven is heating (I like to multitask), boil gnocchi until tender, or as directed on package.
Cut chicken (I used 2 boneless, skinless breasts) into bite sized pieces (I just cooked it raw, and some of it was a little under cooked and I had to nuke it. Next time, I plan on seasoning it with garlic, basil, and other Italian herbs and throwing it on a skillet).
Toss chicken and gnocchi into a baking pan.
Pour the entire--yes, the entire jar/can/what have you of pasta sauce over your chicken and gnocchi and top with as much cheese as you want! I used a pizza blend because that's all I had, but you can use whichever kind you want.
Shove this mess into the oven and let it bake for 30 minutes.

Aside from slightly under cooked chicken, this recipe was a success! I like recipes that are quick and easy to make. I plan on repeating this and perfecting it. Once I get it just the way I want it, I'll share it again.

Something About Closing Doors

This blog is no longer relevant. But, I thought the Internet deserves to see in writing how I felt about a week ago...



Herro, Internet friends. I'd like to share with you a piece of my soul in the form of a song. I woke up at 7:30 am the other day with words bouncing around in my head and had to take advantage of the opportunity!

As you all know, my boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. Don't worry, it was nothing messy, just something that needed to happen so we could both be happy in the end. I had a fantastic time getting to know this man and he really means a lot to me and he always will.

This song is a brief recap of how things went from perfect to not so perfect. We both changed, but in ways that didn't compliment each other. And that's the saddest part. We show nothing but our best in the beginning, but as we get comfortable, our darker sides come out of hiding and sometimes, it's too much to deal with. We don't mean to hurt each other or ourselves, but it happens.

I don't have any regrets. I don't harbor any hard feelings. I'm sad but happy.

In the beginning, we always put our best foot forward. 

I remember saying, "I see no bad in you."

In the beginning, we never need our questions answered. 

I remember thinking, "I'll never have to worry again."

I guess it got too hard. 

I guess we got tired of being our best. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay the person you first met. 

I'm sorry for all the crazy shit I said. 

I loved you, but not enough to let you go. 

I loved you way too much to keep you close. 

Somewhere in the middle, we started picking on each other. 

I remember saying, "You're always so mean to me."

Somewhere in the middle, we started getting insecure. 

I remember thinking, "I'll never feel safe again."

I guess it got too hard. 

I guess we got tied of being our best. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay the person you first met. 

I'm sorry for all the crazy shit I said. 

I loved you, but not enough to let you go. 

I loved you way too much to keep you close. 

I will always love you for who you were in the beginning.

I will always love you for you have become. 

I will always love you. 

I will always love you. 

I will always love you. 

I will always. 

So there you have it, friends. It's time to start a new journey. 

Gettin' Crafty

One of my favorite things to do is to listen to good music and paint. I'd been out of ideas for a week or two, but I was dying to get creative! Thanks to pinterest, I've seen tons of painted cutoffs. Roughly 90% of my shorts are cutoffs, so this project was perfect for me.

So I broke out the brushes and acrylics and got to work. The original idea was to use white and purple for the stripes, but this bright red caught my eye and wasn't going to leave me alone. My lovely facebook and Twitter friends told me to put stars on the butt, which was a fantastic idea. I'm so proud of the way these turned out. Too bad it's cold. I want to wear them RIGHT MEOW!

So there you have it. My new-,ish shorts! Thanks for reading, Internet!

Music Monday!

Am I going to to spam you with multiple posts in a day?

Yes. Yes I am.

Why?

Because today is a special, special day for music and one special inhabitant of Fort Worth, Texas.

Ten years ago, my favorite album was released.

If you're familiar with me, you probably already know that this album is Calendar Days by The Rocket Summer (Bryce Avary).

And if you're familiar with me, you know where this is going. 

ALBUM REVIEW/LOVEFEST! 

I'm nerding out today to tell you why each and every song on here is special to me. Because they all are. They're all amazing. 

In the words of my favorite comedian Jerry Seinfeld, "Let's start the insanity!"

Track One: 

Cross My Heart

Favorite Musical Element: Upbeat tempo. It's really good to listen to first thing in the morning to get you going. The sound is so poppy! I like it! 

Favorite Lyric: "I know everything went wrong, okay. But now's the time to get to better days. 'Cause I don't wanna keep acting this way."

Why I Like It: I like to use this song as a mission statement for bettering myself and my situation. The upbeat nature of this track really gets my heart to a good place. It's fun to sing along with as well! But this entire album is like that. 

Track Two:

Skies So Blue 

Favorite Musical Element: Moar uplifting tonalities. Everything about this song is pop. And it's so great. 

Favorite Lyric: "I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad?"

Why I Like It: There's no way you can't be in a good mood after listening to this song. There's just no way. This track is so uplifting and poppy that it makes you feel like sunshine. I mean, seriously? Why always be sad? The sky's such a sweet blue! 

Track Three:

This Is Me

Three is me! Haha. Ok. That's done. 

Favorite Musical Element: The piano riff at the beginning sounds so cool. It's always been my favorite part of the song.  

Favorite Lyric: "Just remember what's right for me may be not right for you." 

Why I Like It: Recognize the title? Another mission statement song. "I know what I want to do and I want it to be true." This is the exact reason for this blog. It's like the lyrics of every one of these songs were written for me. 

Track Four:

Saturday

Favorite Musical Element: I think this song really showcases Bryce's talent on the drums (he writes and performs EVERYTHING. He's so talented I could die). His fills are super catchy and I can't help but bounce around like a four year old who's had one too many Oreos. 

Favorite Lyric: "I need to think this time is time for me and you to be a phrase that I would always use in the context like I belong to you."

Why I Like It: Who doesn't wish it were Saturday every day? It's a good Wednesday song. Wednesday has always been my least favorite day of the week. I always think, "Man, everything would be better if it were Saturday." And then this song gets stuck in my head. See? Perfect. 

Track Five: 

She's My Baby

Favorite Musical Element: I love the way he plays with meter in this song. 

Favorite Lyric: "Here's how it sounds to be let down..."

Why I Like It: It's a really cute song (I assume about his wife). I love how the older I get the more I understand the lyrics to these songs. This song is really, really sweet. D'awwwwwwww!! 

Track Six:

That's So You

Favorite Musical Element: This melody is AMAZING for harmonizing. This is why I listen to a ton of male singer-songwriters. I love to harmonize. 

Favorite Lyric: "So thanks for your help. You shine so bright. You are the star that's in my sky. I am yours and you are mine."

Why I Like It: I have always loved a good love song. And this is a good love song. It's so sweet! For a long time, this was my favorite song on the album. It's still amazing, but I switch favorites so often because I keep discovering things in other songs and obsessing over them for a while. 

Track Seven:

Mean Thoughts and Cheap Shots

Favorite Musical Element: There's a fun piano interlude toward the middle of the song. 

Favorite Lyric: "We will show the world just how we passed this test. And we will show the world we're better than this mess."

Why I Like It: This is my "everybody's being mean to me!" song. It really helps me feel better when I'm having a rough time with someone else or myself. I use it as a reminder that I am better than that. I really love being encouraged by music in this way. 

Track Eight:

Movie Stars and Super Models

Favorite Musical Element: The rhythm section. YES. 

Favorite Lyric: "And a sparkle is the reflection in my eye."

Why I Like It: I dig the message in this song. I just really dig this guy's honesty in his lyrics. He sees that by observing the lives of other people on TV and such, he's not looking at his own life and is therefore unsatisfied with it. It's a good reminder to watch what you watch. 

Track Nine:

What We Hate, We Make

Favorite Musical Element: UM. EVERYTHING. But for real, my favorite thing is the tinkly (that's the word that came into my head, guys. Judge all you want) melody in the piano. Guhhhhh I die every time. My heart. It makes my heart feel. And I can't give it words. 

Favorite Lyric: You mean I have to CHOOSE??? "I'm breaking my heart tonight so you can see what's inside."

Why I Like It: This song has been with me for so many things. I could write pages on how many situations this song has helped me through. I can't put this information into words. All I can say is if there is any song on this album that you must listen to, it is this one. I wish I could have you feel what it makes me feel. It's so good. Some people may think it's absolutely ridiculous that a song that some random guy wrote could have this much of an influence on me, but it's true. This song. Is the best song. 

Track Ten: 

TV Family

Favorite Musical Element: I really like the xylophone he adds into the chorus. And then the guitar riff in the second verse. 

Favorite Lyric: "I don't know much but I know we will be happy as a TV family. Except times infinity."

Why I Like It: Again, I dig his honesty and I feel like this is an honest song about his faith. In the words of my friend Randy, Bryce really knows how to "be about it". I feel like this album is about who Bryce is and his faith is definitely part of that. 

You guys, I had so much fun listening to this album about four times and writing about my love for it. I really hope you give this guy's music a listen. He's on Spotify and he's brilliant. He's also going on tour in April, so you should go check him out! He puts on a crazy good show. He's from Fort Worth, so he always makes a Dallas stop. It's not even that far! 

Now that I'm done advertising... Well, I'm just done. See you round, Internet friendz! 

[Ch'i]s Louise!

Recently, John and I have gotten into Feng Shui. We redesigned his entire apartment according to various guidelines and secrets we found in Feng Shui books. Over the past few days, I've been rearranging my apartment in order to add more energy into my life. 

I'm reading a book called Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life by Karen Rauch Carter. This book gives detailed information into all aspects of Feng Shui and has a chapter devoted to each of the nine guas, or areas of the home which pertain to a specific aspect of life. The first chapter is about the prosperity gua, or the back left corner of your home or room. By adding or removing different items from your prosperity gua, you can either help or hurt your prosperity in life. Prosperity is not solely focused on money and material goods, but if you do wish to have a little extra cash to spend on luxuries, this is the place to focus that energy. 

I won't go into all the details of what should and should not be found in you prosperity corner, but I will share something I made for mine! One of the "power tools" for prosperity and abundance is running water. A fountain or a fish bowl would be the most effective way to energize the flow of money in you life, but the way my apartment is designed, I lack the space for one. Instead, I decided to use symbolism and create my own image of running water. I chose to paint a symbol of running water because I would like for my own creativity to be abundant (but let's be real. I could use some extra cash). I want art, music, and other creative things to flow from me freely. I want art to be my livelihood. 

And so, the image above is the painting of running water I made to hang in my prosperity corner. Let's hope it brings much artistic inspiration and income into my life! :D