Dead Ends

"Ahhh, post-grad life is where it's at!"

Said no one. Ever.

Actually it's not that bad. It has its perks, that's for sure. I don't have homework. I don't have to stay up until the buttcrack of dawn doing homework, only to wake up a couple hours later to miserably drag myself through another long day at school. I don't have a long list of deadlines constantly breathing down my neck. It's nice to not feel school stress.

But it sucks in a different kind of way.

In the maze of life, I can see the prize within reach: get my dream job at a great school with a great principle and wonderful students and supportive parents. But I'm hitting every. dead. end.

I have a college degree that I paid for with blood, sweat, and tears (and an entire life savings). I have a solid resume and impeccable references. But no one wants me. Interview after interview I'm passed over. I get a "We'll let you know by the end of the week" and nothing after that. I even got a "You interviewed beautifully!" only to get the typical "Sorry, but someone else worked out better". You'd think I would have learned to stop getting my hopes up by now, but I do so time and time again. New opportunities keep popping up and I keep coming up short.

I read a blog recently that shared a website where you can get paid to teach English over the Internet. I thought, "This is it! This is perfect!"

I started fantasizing (as I always do) about how much better everything was going to be once I got this job. Set my own hours: awesome! Set my own price: Even more awesome! Work from home: Holy Jesus, I think I just hit the career jackpot! So I went to the website and, lo and behold, they weren't taking any applications for English teachers. Of course. Another dead end. Why should I have expected anything different?

There's a certain level of embarrassment and shame that comes with not being where you'd like to be. When you run into people you knew in high school while you're working at the mall and all you can think is "Shit, they caught me working for minimum wage at 24. They caught me being unsuccessful".  There is literally nothing worse than this exchange:

"Hi, welcome to Silly Overpriced Store! What can I help you shop for today?"  ... Oh God, we went to high school together 

"Oh, hi, I'm just looking for clothes for work. I just got hired at *dream job*.... hey, didn't we go to high school together?! OMG how are you? What are you up to now? It's so good to see you!"

"Oh, you know, just working.. interviewing.. post-grad things.. and stuff...." working for minimum wage and babysitting a bunch of entitled 18-year-olds and  basically failing at life and WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME?

Seriously the most mortifying conversation one can have.

In spite of these embarrassing encounters, I try to keep a positive outlook on the situation. It's only temporary. Yes, I'll still be living with my parents at 25 but hey, I won't be paying rent! And I was able to afford a car on my minimum wages. That was a huge step forward for me. And maybe I can turn these dead ends into new opportunities to revisit my dreams of old. I can focus on songwriting again, and maybe get an album recorded. Instead of being bound and suffocated by the maze walls, I can break them down and rebuild the maze entirely.

I guess the point that I'm trying to make is that life will probably not go the way you want or intend for it to go. This is a perfect opportunity to reevaluate what you want out of life. It's easy to wallow in self-pity and defeat, but it's just as easy to pull your energies together and focus on making a different dream come true. Maybe that's the Universe's way of telling you that your priorities were misguided. I'm going to take the hint and let another dream ride shotgun with me for a while and see how it goes.