A blog about my thoughts, feelings, and opinions. Things that make me think, things that make me smile. It's a blog to show you who I am.
Saturday, November 23, 2013
On Forgiveness
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
22 Reflections on Being 22.
*cue Taylor Swift joke*
22 has been the hardest year of my life so far. A lot of things changed in my external and internal worlds. I thought I had everything figured out but all the plans I had made, or, really, the fantasies I had, turned on me, and quite violently. I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the things that had the most significant impact on my life and offer a summary of what I learned in my 358 days of being 22.
22. Maintain relationships.
New, old, family, friends... Having a supportive group of people on whom you can fall is one of the most important things a young woman (or man) can have. Be careful of your friends and stay away from those who are toxic. They'll provide you with a false sense of security. A parachute made of paper will only rip in the wind. I've always been bad about maintaining relationships with people I don't see every day. While in the company of my false "family", as I had come to call them, I disappeared from everyone else I knew. Luckily, my true friends and family were there when everything fell to pieces. But don't bank on that. Keep those relationships strong now so that you won't have to worry about anything falling to pieces in the first place.
21. Don't work too hard.
Parents, teachers, and other students place a lot of pressure on us to get out of school on time, with 4.0 GPAs and other ridiculous expectations. While working hard is good and can boost confidence and make us feel accomplished, it also bogs us down and wears us out. Leave time for fun. You're in college. Enjoy it. I have seen too many people taking 21 hour semesters and I don't understand how they can do it. I mean, kudos to them for handling that amount of work, but, again, you're in college. It only happens once, so enjoy it while you can!
20. Learn how to be alone.
This is hard. I'm an introvert, and this is hard. In recent months, however, I have learned to enjoy being alone and I actually prefer it most of the time. I believe that introverts and extroverts both solitude in order to maintain sanity. I recently discovered that I love mornings. Not my 8 am mornings. But if I have the time to wake up slowly, see the sun shining its yellow light into my living room and drink some coffee and eat a fresh cooked breakfast, it really makes for a spectacular day. I like to use that time to sit and think and just slowly prepare myself for the day. Mornings are so peaceful and refreshing. So yeah. Solitude. Peace. Quiet. I recommend it.
19. Don't date mommy haters.
I CANNOT REITERATE THIS ENOUGH. IF A GUY DOES NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR HIS MOTHER, HE WILL NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR YOU. Please protect yourself and don't think that you can fix anyone. You can't. Don't let anyone make significant life changes such as moving to another city for you or putting off a goal for you. It only leads to resentment. Don't change yourself for anyone, either, because then you'll end up lost and confused and stressed out beyond reason. Ultimately, you'll only end up hurt and it really, really, really sucks. Date wisely.
18. Stay out all night.
Because you can. I'm pretty sure a common theme in this post will be "Have fun. Enjoy your life. What other point is there?" Go dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex or something.
17. Keep a journal.
I've kept journals since I was a kid. It feels silly at first, but sometimes you have things to say that you can't really say to anyone. And sometimes, you just don't know how to talk to people about what's going on. Journaling has been tremendously helpful for me in the past year. With all the drama in my life, I completely forgot how to confide in people. Well, really I just felt like I couldn't trust anyone with my real feelings. Journaling helped me become familiar with what I was feeling. Also, I stumble around words when trying to communicate verbally, so it helped me outline how I could tell people how I felt.
16. Be creative.
I mean, I know everyone's different and everyone has their thing that makes them feel alive, but I just love the feeling of stepping back from a song, painting, or photo I've finished and perfected and saying, "I made this." There's just nothing like it in the world. I guess I can call that joy. I feel joy when I create things. Even if no one else will ever see it. Even if you feel as though you don't have a creative bone in your body, I would encourage you to at least try something creative once in a while. It doesn't even have to be "artistic" necessarily. Build a computer. Learn to crochet. Take a cooking class. And for all of you artistic types, try something outside your discipline. I mentioned in an earlier post that from my perspective, all art is connected and I've found that by doing things such as drawing, painting, or photography clears out my brain and brings new perspective into other creative aspects of my life, specifically music. Make friends with artists of all types. Don't just stay in your niche. Because we can all learn from one another and give valuable feedback that may be completely different from what we experience on a day to day basis.
15. Do something crazy.
It's good to leave your comfort zone every now and then. Dye your hair (I went purple!). Get a piercing or a tattoo (mine is a tiger lily). This is a time for experimentation and really establishing who you are as an individual.
14. Do something stupid, but not too stupid.
Make a couple of bad decisions. Go to that concert in Dallas even though you have a test at 8 am the next morning. Eat an entire loaf of French bread while watching movies at your best friend's boyfriend's house (this might make your tummy hurt). Steal beer from a frat party-- they probably won't even notice it's missing. Just don't go all Walter White and start cooking meth or anything.
13. Try as many new things as you possibly can.
Eat exotic foods. Learn to play an instrument. Try your hand at painting or a new sport. I tried photography and it's turning out to be one of my favorite new hobbies! You never know what you might be good at until you try it. This is one thing you won't want to procrastinate. Age will catch up to you sooner or later and you don't want to be left with any "what ifs".
12. Eat well and exercise.
I'm so terrible at exercising. And honestly, the only reason I actually exercise on a regular basis is because I'm enrolled in a running class for school. But I definitely feel great after a run! I like running because it's a solo activity. I don't have to pay attention to too many things, just my body, my mind, and my breath. Same thing with yoga. I looooove a good yoga session. First thing in the morning. There's nothing more peaceful than a quiet sun salutation to wake you up and make you excited to start your day. Eating well is surprisingly easy for me. I mean, I love my carbs. Bread is my favorite food. I stir fry 5 nights out of the week with chicken, vegetables, and jasmine rice. Stir fry is fun because I can experiment with flavors and different kinds of veggies. And I just feel like I function better when I eat mostly fresh ingredients. It's just hard to keep my cat from stealing my dinner!
11. Be selfish.
I do this thing in relationships where I put the other person's needs so far ahead of my own that I forget about my needs entirely. That's not healthy. I will willingly settle for less than ideal or even put myself in uncomfortable situations to avoid hurting feelings. As an INFP, I'm an extremely empathetic being and feeling someone else's disappointment and hurt feelings is unbearable. But by ignoring my own needs, I'm doing myself a great disservice. It has made me into a pushover and it makes me unable to be assertive. So be assertive. Selfishness isn't all bad. You need to be able to look out for yourself.
10. Be spontaneous.
The majority of my memorable moments over the last year have been the last second "let's do this" decisions. There's a certain excitement in not knowing very little detail.
9. Treat yo' self.
First of all, Parks and Recreation is one of the greatest TV shows ever and this episode was perfect. The idea is to have one day where you treat yourself. Donna and Tom got manicures and went shopping. And, just as it's good to do nice things for other people, it's good to do nice things for yourself.
8. Go for a drive.
The experience where I had my emotional turnaround from bottom of the pit to top of the mountain was when I had to take landscape photos for class. I got in my car, drove South, turned left and just drove. I didn't worry about keeping track, I had a GPS in my phone for when it was time to come home. And it was liberating. I feel as though I will always remember that driving trip. I can't really explain the difference to you. But I left in tears and came home feeling happier than I have in years. And I still feel great! So don't worry about getting lost. Go explore. Maybe you'll find a park or a lake or just see some beautiful things you never knew existed.
7. GO OUTSIDE.
Have you seen just how beautiful the earth is? If you can't find beauty where you are, change your perspective. There is beauty in every place, you just have to get out of your bubble and go explore. Find new things. The sun gives you vitamin D, which helps you feel happy. If you notice yourself feeling a tad zombified, reflect on how often you've been outside in the past few days. No matter how often you go outside, it could never hurt to go out again. I like to go on hikes in parks. I like to go by myself so I can find a peaceful place to read and just be. Being indoors for too long makes me feel trapped. I need the open space.
6. Don't be too cynical.
Now, I have a tendency to be a little cynical. Mostly regarding school. Too much cynicism can bring everyone down, though, so I try not to over-do it.
5. Invest in your hobbies.
Another point I can't stress enough. Do what you love. Set aside time each day or week or whatever your schedule allows and do something your truly enjoy doing. It's a wonderful stress relief.
4. Make plans for your future...
I used to think not having a plan of any sort was the way to go about things. Just let them happen the way that they happen. I think this caused me stress rather than making me feel like I had freedom. Knowing I want to go to Nashville to pursue my music/art career actually gives me motivation to finish school.
3. ...But leave them open-ended.
While this Nashville plan is all nice and good, I know that things can change in an instant and Nashville may turn out to be a dead end. As long as I know that plans can change and that I may change my mind later on keeps disappointment at bay. I like to say, "I live my life in pencil," meaning that if things change, I can neatly erase it instead of having painful, gross scratch marks.
2. Travel.
Being a native Texan, I don't travel much outside our massive state. Mostly because air travel is not only a huge pain, but it's rather expensive. And trying to drive out of Texas... Well... That's just silly. Dating a financially privileged guy had a few perks, one of those being the means for travel. I took a life changing road trip with him to California and the beauty of the American Southwest is absolutely insane! Costa Rica was in the works, but we weren't able to go. So I've yet to leave the U. S., but that will happen as soon as it possibly can! I need to see the world. It's too beautiful to miss out on!
1. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF.
Simple concept, most difficult thing to actually achieve. In my case, at least. My ex always told me "You can't love someone else unless you can love yourself". He wasn't wrong, he just happened to be a terrible facilitator of self-love. It's too easy to listen to the people telling you all the things to dislike about yourself. And I don't really have any advice on how to achieve self-love. It's just a thing that happened, and it was completely out of the blue. I think self-love is the result of a combination of all of these things that I've been discussing in this post. I was in Dallas, alone, treating myself to some coffee and breakfast and it just happened. I was feeling rather low, like nothing was ever going to go my way and then something just clicked and now everything is better.
In conclusion, you're a young twenty-something. Everything is still very new, only now you have to freedom to explore it for yourself. So enjoy life, and try not to let things get to you.
Happy Tuesday!
Soundtrack for this post: The Valley by Eisley
Saturday, October 19, 2013
On Art, Emotion, and My Early Twenties
I'm a natural procrastinator and I definitely waited until the last minute to really start soul searching. I spent my first two years trying (unsuccessfully) to fit in with the crowd and dress, talk, and act like everyone else around me, but that soon became exhausting. Right before my junior year, I had a rough breakup and met a guy (with whom I would have an even worse breakup) who really pushed me to find my true self. I'm pretty sure that's the only positive impact he had on my life. But we won't go there tonight.
My junior year in college is when I began to question everything I thought I knew about myself. Do I really want to continue in music? Is there something better out there? Can I do more? Am I just stuck here forever?? And the seeming finality of my music education degree coming to a close suffocated me until I decided that I had to take a break from it and experience new things. Different things. I'd been a music freak my entire life. I liked my music hat, but the colors had faded.
In the spring of my first Senior year, I did not enroll in classes. I began to paint periodically. I'd paint things for my boyfriend to hang on the walls of his apartment. I even sponge painted his bedroom wall (and it looked AWESOME). The painting was therapeutic for me. There were a lot going on in my life that were not pleasant but I could escape all of that by listening to Jaymay or Brandi Carlile or The Rocket Summer and gently stroking my weary soul with the soft bristles of a paintbrush. It's nice to let your emotions course through your blood, letting your body release everything for a moment.
Our breakup was life-changing. It is the most difficult thing I have experienced so far. But it led me to my real passion for music: Songwriting. I wrote so much music. I experienced a variety of emotions, but mostly sadness, confusion, and anger. I find it hard to describe my music for some reason. Songwriting is such an intimate experience for me. I get real with myself. I examine and reexamine until I can get the exact words to match the way I feel. This intimacy gives me a deep emotional connection to my music. It's just so real. That summer I also enrolled in a drawing class at my local community college where I learned that I can actually make a decent drawing, and this soon became another form of artistic therapy.
The most intense art therapy session occurred while I was driving around central and north Texas taking landscape photos for my photography class. The week before had been rough. I had been struggling with letting something go and I just felt low every day. I was afraid that I was falling back into the pit that I had been working so hard to escape. On the way to Dallas, I saw an exit for Bear Creek Road. One of my favorite albums is Brandi Carlile's Bear Creek, so I decided to throw that album on and see where Bear Creek Road would lead me. I ended up discovering this beautiful nature reserve and getting some nice shots. Since I wasn't ready to go home and face my issues, I decided to take myself on a date to one of my favorite spots in Dallas, a local diner called Café Brasil. I ordered my bottomless coffee and migas just as always and I sat and I thought and I hung out with myself for the evening. During this time with myself, I discovered the answer to my dilemma. I enjoy being on my own. This reasoning may be selfish, but when I'm on my own, I don't have to answer to anyone or worry so much about hurting someone's feelings by doing what I want to do. As I sat alone in a Café on a Saturday night, I liked myself for the first time in years.
There's something about creating that makes me feel like I'm truly in my element. I can't thrive in an environment that doesn't allow for creativity. And that's where my problem with music education lies. I'm only saying this as a fact about myself; I know things are different for everyone, but I don't feel as though I have the creative freedom to really feel fulfilled. Education is a wonderful thing and I know so many people who do feel fulfilled through teaching and that is beautiful. Those people are beautiful and should be given much more appreciation and recognition than they receive. I, however, am not one of those people.
When I told my family that I want to move to Nashville after graduation and become a "professional hobbyist" (as I like to call it), they weren't thrilled. They don't understand that I need to have the freedom to express myself through different forms of art. They worry that I'll end up broke and homeless, and that's a valid concern, but I can't imagine doing the exact same thing day after day. That's how school became such a burden for me. Too much time doing things for everyone else and no time to take care of myself. I'm going to Nashville and I'm going to write my music, make my paintings, and take my photos and hope that by taking care of myself, I can share my creations with others and help them take care of themselves. It just feels right.
Just a side note:
I wish music wasn't such an isolated community here at Baylor. I don't know how it is in other places, but I wish there were more opportunities to be creative in different ways. I get bored and exhausted when I focus on one thing for too long. And all art is connected. The same concepts are used in each discipline, each in its own, unique way. That's fascinating. I feel like that should be the basis for community, but instead, there's a separation and a lack of knowledge and understanding, which is unfortunate.
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Sunday Morning Musings
I'm going to start treating Sundays as "New Beginning Days". The previous week is over. The good, the bad, and the mundane are all in the past. Holding on to any of it will only hold me back. Some weeks, I'll go to church with my favorite couple Stephen and Destiny. Some weeks will be like this week where I sit alone, drink delicious coffee, and ponder. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll veg out and watch TV all day, maybe I'll go out and have an adventure. Maybe I'll see people and maybe I won't. No matter what I do, I will see it as a new beginning. I will let go of the last seven days and I will let myself be free.
This last week had so much going on, it felt like an entire month had passed by the time it was over. I had a huge project looming over my head. I had to assert what I know to be best for myself and people got hurt. I saw one of my favorite bands live for the first time and experienced pure euphoria.
But that's all over. And that's okay. In fact, it's beautiful. If I hang on to the past (even the good), I leave no room to love the present, which is really where it's at, amirite?
*Inhale fresh air*
*Exhale old air*
Everything is new.
Soundtrack to this post: "Every New Day" by Five Iron Frenzy
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Six Month Progress Report
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Sitting on a Park Bench
I read this book over a span of two days. One was spent in a Starbucks and the other on a park bench. The day on the park bench is what I'm here to talk about. The book, as a whole, relates life to a story. Donald talks about the time spent turning one of his books into a movie. He had to move parts of the story and even add to it in order to make it something a person would pay money to sit and watch for an hour or two. The main concept of story, as Donald learns, is that:
1. There must be a character.
2. We must like said character.
3. The character must want something.
4. The character must overcome hardship and make sacrifices in order to obtain this something.
And this relates to life in many ways. It was going through this process that Donald realized he wanted to make his life into a better story. In the book, he tells us some of his "practice stories" like when he called his dad after thirty years or when he biked across the U.S.
As I was sitting on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas (not far from his former home in Pearland, TX), the scenarios and feelings he described kept hitting home in deep ways. I read about his breakup with the girl he thought he was going to marry and thought about my recent breakup with a guy I thought I might marry one day. He wrote of the numbness that followed and I examined my own numbness. Then, he shared with us the day he decided to let go and feel the pain that he knew was there. To let the bones break and the blood from his broken heart spill onto the floor. My friends, I sat on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas and wept over the loss of someone whom I loved more than anyone else before. Someone I loved more than I thought I was capable.
I realized I had been pretending that I didn't care. Pretending that I thought he was scum and not worthy of my tears. But on that bench, under the sun, I allowed myself to grieve. And the release is beyond words.
I learned so much more in the two days that I spent reading this book than I learned in the last four years I've spent in college. I learned that there is no good story without hardship. That the trials we face and the pain we endure make our story better. They make our character better.
Reading about the elements of story applied to life caused me to reevaluate the way I've been looking at my current situation. I just moved back to Houston from Waco because things got rough in school, I broke off my serious relationship, and I felt like no one loved me or cared about me. It was all about me, me, me. Everyone was so mean to me. Now, I want this sadness and loneliness to make my story and my character better. I want to become stronger. I am stronger than I think I am. It took courage and strength to end that relationship. It took a strength that I didn't even know I had. I guess that's what risk and sacrifice do. They show you that you're stronger than you think.
I am strong. I am beautiful. I am brave.
I will take risks in life. I won't settle for a mediocre story. I want an epic.
So I will make it.
Thursday, April 4, 2013
Gnocchi Bake, Take One!
I found:
A box of gnocchi
Some pasta sauce
Pizza cheese
Chicken
With these things, I decided to try and make a gnocchi bake. Here is my process:
Preheat oven to 350.
While oven is heating (I like to multitask), boil gnocchi until tender, or as directed on package.
Cut chicken (I used 2 boneless, skinless breasts) into bite sized pieces (I just cooked it raw, and some of it was a little under cooked and I had to nuke it. Next time, I plan on seasoning it with garlic, basil, and other Italian herbs and throwing it on a skillet).
Toss chicken and gnocchi into a baking pan.
Pour the entire--yes, the entire jar/can/what have you of pasta sauce over your chicken and gnocchi and top with as much cheese as you want! I used a pizza blend because that's all I had, but you can use whichever kind you want.
Shove this mess into the oven and let it bake for 30 minutes.
Aside from slightly under cooked chicken, this recipe was a success! I like recipes that are quick and easy to make. I plan on repeating this and perfecting it. Once I get it just the way I want it, I'll share it again.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Something About Closing Doors
Herro, Internet friends. I'd like to share with you a piece of my soul in the form of a song. I woke up at 7:30 am the other day with words bouncing around in my head and had to take advantage of the opportunity!
As you all know, my boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. Don't worry, it was nothing messy, just something that needed to happen so we could both be happy in the end. I had a fantastic time getting to know this man and he really means a lot to me and he always will.
This song is a brief recap of how things went from perfect to not so perfect. We both changed, but in ways that didn't compliment each other. And that's the saddest part. We show nothing but our best in the beginning, but as we get comfortable, our darker sides come out of hiding and sometimes, it's too much to deal with. We don't mean to hurt each other or ourselves, but it happens.
I don't have any regrets. I don't harbor any hard feelings. I'm sad but happy.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Gettin' Crafty
So I broke out the brushes and acrylics and got to work. The original idea was to use white and purple for the stripes, but this bright red caught my eye and wasn't going to leave me alone. My lovely facebook and Twitter friends told me to put stars on the butt, which was a fantastic idea. I'm so proud of the way these turned out. Too bad it's cold. I want to wear them RIGHT MEOW!
So there you have it. My new-,ish shorts! Thanks for reading, Internet!
Monday, February 25, 2013
Music Monday!
Yes. Yes I am.
Why?
Because today is a special, special day for music and one special inhabitant of Fort Worth, Texas.
[Ch'i]s Louise!
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Don't Get Me Wrong, I Still Love Music
I'd like to share an album I came across recently that had an impact on me. I don't know if there is an album in your life that, when asked to play only one song, you can't decide because they're all so good. Bear Creek by Brandi Carlile is one of those albums to me. I first heard this song in an art gallery in Denton, Texas. The woman working in the shop showed me her favorite track and I knew I had to have this album. Every single song is so different and so wonderful. The common denominator for this album is the use of acoustic instruments. Brandi's voice is big, powerful, and a little rough around the edges. I was trained classically from the age of twelve, which means I spent a lot of time around vocal perfectionists. As impressive as a beautiful, perfect classical performance can be, I find more beauty and feeling in voice with a rougher, more raw sound.
Some of my favorite moments on the album:
Favorite Vocal Moments:
Track 2: Raise Hell. This track really shows the power in Brandi's voice. I absolutely love the rugged sound of the instrumentation and her voice.
Track 8: I'll Still Be There: The buildup in this song is what really gets me. There's a point near the end of the song that reminds me of a drop in electronic music, where everything stops for a beat or two and comes back in more powerful than before. It's one of those things that I want to make sure someone hears on their first listen.
Track 11: Rise Again: I love how this song had a much more alternative sound than any of the other songs on this album. I really repsect Not to mention the impressive range. This woman's voice is serious. She can do all kinds of things that I only wish I could.
Favorite Lyrics:
I mean, really, every song's lyrics are fantastic. But these really stuck out to me.
Track 2: Raise Hell: "You have mind to keep my quiet and although you can try, better men have hit their knees and bigger men have died." My thought the first time I heard this: "HELL YES."
Track 4: That Wasn't Me: In the last chorus, she switches up some of the lyrics:
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Land of Life and Beauty.
Day One: West Texas
I don't know if there's really anything to say about west Texas. The people are friendly and the steak is great! Other than that, it's nothing for miles and miles and miles.
Day Two: New Mexico
I spent most of the day driving through New Mexico. The scenery is absolutely breathtaking. Mountains slowly come into view and the hills are sprinkled with tiny towns. We stopped in Albuquerque for some car maintenance and while we were there, we decided to hit up their museum of natural history. We watched a short film in the planetarium about the search for other habitable planets in the universe. It stirred up some subjects I hadn't really thought about since childhood: Are we really the only life forms in all of everything? Is our existence THAT much of a fluke? What would the other life forms be like? How advanced would their civilization be? The film was optimistic about 2013 being a great year for discovery so I plan to keep watching the Internet for exciting things.
After the museum, we drove until we decided to rest in Flagstaff, Arizona and this is what we woke to see:
I got to visit with an old friend who continues to be a role model of mine. I was surprised when the Internet told me she was moving to California. After seeing all of her pictures and posts about being in California, I was DYING to talk to her about her experiences. She's having the time of her life and she isn't hiding it. She's succeeding in following her dreams and I have seriously never seen someone smile so much! Her bravery has inspired me to break the mold and to just go for things that I want.