Saturday, November 23, 2013

On Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes, it's easy, like when a friend flakes on your plans. Sometimes, it's difficult, like when someone you love has broken your heart. Sometimes, it sneaks up on you when you least expect it. Sometimes, you have to forgive yourself. 

In college, I've had my heart broken by two men. For that, I forgive them. 

In college, I've broken the hearts of these two men. For that, I forgive myself. 

Back in April, I began to talk to the first of these two men again. It started out as just small talk, catching up on our lives and such. It eventually evolved into talking about the relationship we had. The good times, the bad times. It included apologizing for where we went wrong and acknowledging that we cut each other deep. Looking back on the painful things is a healthy part of recovery. I really enjoyed being able to talk to him and share my feelings about everything that happened between us. We saw the mistakes we made and I think we are both learning from them so we can make our future relationships easier and stronger. And it's just nice to have a friend in him again. We shared an emotional intimacy that I now find difficult to cultivate with people and it's nice to have someone with whom I can share. 

Our personalities are far too similar to make a romantic relationship work. Both introverted, both extremely passionate, and both passive-aggressive in conflicts. Our feelings for each other were intense form the beginning, but this also fueled our rage, making conflicts unbearably terrible. Knowing this makes it easy to be his friend without wanting to pursue anything romantically with him. Being of a similar personality type makes it easy for me to listen and empathize with him as he talks to me about difficult things. I still care deeply and his whole life has been difficult. I know he longs to be understood and I'm glad that I can be at least one person in his life with whom he can share the difficult things. Everyone deserves that. And in return, he's able to listen to me and remains a valuable friend in my life. 




The second man had the most profound effect on my life. I was convinced that we were going to spend our lives together. It was all that I wanted.  When we ended things, life got messy. And I mean messy. I said that I would never speak to him again. I'd had this plan that if we split, I would call him on my 25th birthday, after growing up a little bit, and see what was up with him. After our breakup, however, I had sworn this idea off. I wanted to forget him and try my hardest to erase our entire time together from my life. Unfortunately, that never works. Side note: I've been watching Once Upon a Time and a character just said, "As wretched as it is, I need my pain." This really resonated with me. I spent months trying to mute it all with the help of beer and other distractions, but that never worked. There are no words to accurately describe the misery. I was deep in the pit. I was sad, I was angry, but worst of all, I was still in love. The last thing I wanted to feel for this guy was love. 

Over the next few months, I progressed toward recovery from this devastation. About a week ago, I received an email from him containing the songs that we had recorded with Five Iron Frenzy. This email also contained something I never, ever thought I would get: an apology. I had to reply. In my better state, I've been focusing on being the best version of myself. And my best self doesn't like to let the good deeds of others go unnoticed. I thanked him for his apology and we agreed that the day we spent in the studio with Five Iron Frenzy was one of our favorite experiences we shared. We began to reminisce and we talked about everything, good and bad. We apologized for everything we did wrong to each other, which is a lot. We were both depressed and searching for our purposes. In our states, we lost the ability to communicate and we let other people and other things get in the way. Neither of us stopped loving, we just got angry and resented each other for every little thing. It's just so sad how something so wonderful was ruined. 

There's a freedom I've experienced in finally forgiving this man. I'm experiencing a wide range of complicated emotions, but it's much better than being angry all the time. That was exhausting. My eyes have also been opened to some issues I've been experiencing, specifically my inability to connect with people. I thought I just didn't trust men anymore and that I'd rather be alone that be in pain again, but that's not entirely true. It's more that I don't want to let anyone in because I haven't detached myself from the life I was building in my head. I had committed myself to the idea of sharing a life with this guy and I haven't let go of that. This is the reason I've been so emotionally unavailable to men. I just don't click with anyone the way I clicked with him. Now, I'm not saying I want to get back together because I can't be certain that I won't get hurt again. I just finally have some insight as to why I am the way that I am. 


What I'm trying to say here (a tl;dr, if you will), is that anger is a crutch. It's a part of grief that you can't hang onto forever because it will eat you alive. Forgiveness brings relief and freedom, even when you think you'll never recover from the pain. 





I understand that this blog post may get misinterpreted, so I want to open up lines of discussion for anyone who desires clarification on anything I have mentioned here. Please, feel free to express concerns or ask questions. 







Soundtrack for this post: "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette and Engine of a Million Plots by Five Iron Frenzy

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

22 Reflections on Being 22.

In one week, I will no longer be 22.

*cue Taylor Swift joke*

22 has been the hardest year of my life so far. A lot of things changed in my external and internal worlds. I thought I had everything figured out but all the plans I had made, or, really, the fantasies I had, turned on me, and quite violently. I thought I'd take some time to reflect on the things that had the most significant impact on my life and offer a summary of what I learned in my 358 days of being 22.


22. Maintain relationships.
New, old, family, friends... Having a supportive group of people on whom you can fall is one of the most important things a young woman (or man) can have. Be careful of your friends and stay away from those who are toxic. They'll provide you with a false sense of security. A parachute made of paper will only rip in the wind. I've always been bad about maintaining relationships with people I don't see every day. While in the company of my false "family", as I had come to call them, I disappeared from everyone else I knew. Luckily, my true friends and family were there when everything fell to pieces. But don't bank on that. Keep those relationships strong now so that you won't have to worry about anything falling to pieces in the first place.

21. Don't work too hard.
Parents, teachers, and other students place a lot of pressure on us to get out of school on time, with 4.0 GPAs and other ridiculous expectations. While working hard is good and can boost confidence and make us feel accomplished, it also bogs us down and wears us out. Leave time for fun. You're in college. Enjoy it. I have seen too many people taking 21 hour semesters and I don't understand how they can do it. I mean, kudos to them for handling that amount of work, but, again, you're in college. It only happens once, so enjoy it while you can!

20. Learn how to be alone.
This is hard. I'm an introvert, and this is hard. In recent months, however, I have learned to enjoy being alone and I actually prefer it most of the time. I believe that introverts and extroverts both solitude in order to maintain sanity. I recently discovered that I love mornings. Not my 8 am mornings. But if I have the time to wake up slowly, see the sun shining its yellow light into my living room and drink some coffee and eat a fresh cooked breakfast, it really makes for a spectacular day. I like to use that time to sit and think and just slowly prepare myself for the day. Mornings are so peaceful and refreshing. So yeah. Solitude. Peace. Quiet. I recommend it.

19. Don't date mommy haters.
I CANNOT REITERATE THIS ENOUGH. IF A GUY DOES NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR HIS MOTHER, HE WILL NOT HAVE RESPECT FOR YOU. Please protect yourself and don't think that you can fix anyone. You can't. Don't let anyone make significant life changes such as moving to another city for you or putting off a goal for you. It only leads to resentment. Don't change yourself for anyone, either, because then you'll end up lost and confused and stressed out beyond reason. Ultimately, you'll only end up hurt and it really, really, really sucks. Date wisely.

18. Stay out all night.
Because you can. I'm pretty sure a common theme in this post will be "Have fun. Enjoy your life. What other point is there?" Go dress up like a hipster and make fun of your ex or something.

17. Keep a journal.
I've kept journals since I was a kid. It feels silly at first, but sometimes you have things to say that you can't really say to anyone. And sometimes, you just don't know how to talk to people about what's going on. Journaling has been tremendously helpful for me in the past year. With all the drama in my life, I completely forgot how to confide in people. Well, really I just felt like I couldn't trust anyone with my real feelings. Journaling helped me become familiar with what I was feeling. Also, I stumble around words when trying to communicate verbally, so it helped me outline how I could tell people how I felt.

16. Be creative.
I mean, I know everyone's different and everyone has their thing that makes them feel alive, but I just love the feeling of stepping back from a song, painting, or photo I've finished and perfected and saying, "I made this." There's just nothing like it in the world. I guess I can call that joy. I feel joy when I create things. Even if no one else will ever see it. Even if you feel as though you don't have a creative bone in your body, I would encourage you to at least try something creative once in a while. It doesn't even have to be "artistic" necessarily. Build a computer. Learn to crochet. Take a cooking class. And for all of you artistic types, try something outside your discipline. I mentioned in an earlier post that from my perspective, all art is connected and I've found that by doing things such as drawing, painting, or photography clears out my brain and brings new perspective into other creative aspects of my life, specifically music. Make friends with artists of all types. Don't just stay in your niche. Because we can all learn from one another and give valuable feedback that may be completely different from what we experience on a day to day basis.

15. Do something crazy.
It's good to leave your comfort zone every now and then. Dye your hair (I went purple!). Get a piercing or a tattoo (mine is a tiger lily). This is a time for experimentation and really establishing who you are as an individual.

14. Do something stupid, but not too stupid.
Make a couple of bad decisions. Go to that concert in Dallas even though you have a test at 8 am the next morning. Eat an entire loaf of French bread while watching movies at your best friend's boyfriend's house (this might make your tummy hurt). Steal beer from a frat party-- they probably won't even notice it's missing. Just don't go all Walter White and start cooking meth or anything.

13. Try as many new things as you possibly can.
Eat exotic foods. Learn to play an instrument. Try your hand at painting or a new sport. I tried photography and it's turning out to be one of my favorite new hobbies! You never know what you might be good at until you try it. This is one thing you won't want to procrastinate. Age will catch up to you sooner or later and you don't want to be left with any "what ifs".

12. Eat well and exercise.
I'm so terrible at exercising. And honestly, the only reason I actually exercise on a regular basis is because I'm enrolled in a running class for school. But I definitely feel great after a run! I like running because it's a solo activity. I don't have to pay attention to too many things, just my body, my mind, and my breath. Same thing with yoga. I looooove a good yoga session. First thing in the morning. There's nothing more peaceful than a quiet sun salutation to wake you up and make you excited to start your day. Eating well is surprisingly easy for me. I mean, I love my carbs. Bread is my favorite food. I stir fry 5 nights out of the week with chicken, vegetables, and jasmine rice. Stir fry is fun because I can experiment with flavors and different kinds of veggies. And I just feel like I function better when I eat mostly fresh ingredients. It's just hard to keep my cat from stealing my dinner!

11. Be selfish.
I do this thing in relationships where I put the other person's needs so far ahead of my own that I forget about my needs entirely. That's not healthy. I will willingly settle for less than ideal or even put myself in uncomfortable situations to avoid hurting feelings. As an INFP, I'm an extremely empathetic being and feeling someone else's disappointment and hurt feelings is unbearable. But by ignoring my own needs, I'm doing myself a great disservice. It has made me into a pushover and it makes me unable to be assertive. So be assertive. Selfishness isn't all bad. You need to be able to look out for yourself.

10. Be spontaneous.
The majority of my memorable moments over the last year have been the last second "let's do this" decisions. There's a certain excitement in not knowing very little detail.

9. Treat yo' self.
First of all, Parks and Recreation is one of the greatest TV shows ever and this episode was perfect. The idea is to have one day where you treat yourself. Donna and Tom got manicures and went shopping. And, just as it's good to do nice things for other people, it's good to do nice things for yourself.

8. Go for a drive.
The experience where I had my emotional turnaround from bottom of the pit to top of the mountain was when I had to take landscape photos for class. I got in my car, drove South, turned left and just drove. I didn't worry about keeping track, I had a GPS in my phone for when it was time to come home. And it was liberating. I feel as though I will always remember that driving trip. I can't really explain the difference to you. But I left in tears and came home feeling happier than I have in years. And I still feel great! So don't worry about getting lost. Go explore. Maybe you'll find a park or a lake or just see some beautiful things you never knew existed.

7. GO OUTSIDE.
Have you seen just how beautiful the earth is? If you can't find beauty where you are, change your perspective. There is beauty in every place, you just have to get out of your bubble and go explore. Find new things. The sun gives you vitamin D, which helps you feel happy. If you notice yourself feeling a tad zombified, reflect on how often you've been outside in the past few days. No matter how often you go outside, it could never hurt to go out again. I like to go on hikes in parks. I like to go by myself so I can find a peaceful place to read and just be. Being indoors for too long makes me feel trapped. I need the open space. 

6. Don't be too cynical.
Now, I have a tendency to be a little cynical. Mostly regarding school. Too much cynicism can bring everyone down, though, so I try not to over-do it.

5. Invest in your hobbies.
Another point I can't stress enough. Do what you love. Set aside time each day or week or whatever your schedule allows and do something your truly enjoy doing. It's a wonderful stress relief.

4. Make plans for your future...
I used to think not having a plan of any sort was the way to go about things. Just let them happen the way that they happen. I think this caused me stress rather than making me feel like I had freedom. Knowing I want to go to Nashville to pursue my music/art career actually gives me motivation to finish school.

3. ...But leave them open-ended.
While this Nashville plan is all nice and good, I know that things can change in an instant and Nashville may turn out to be a dead end. As long as I know that plans can change and that I may change my mind later on keeps disappointment at bay. I like to say, "I live my life in pencil," meaning that if things change, I can neatly erase it instead of having painful, gross scratch marks.

2. Travel.
Being a native Texan, I don't travel much outside our massive state. Mostly because air travel is not only a huge pain, but it's rather expensive. And trying to drive out of Texas... Well... That's just silly. Dating a financially privileged guy had a few perks, one of those being the means for travel. I took a life changing road trip with him to California and the beauty of the American Southwest is absolutely insane! Costa Rica was in the works, but we weren't able to go. So I've yet to leave the U. S., but that will happen as soon as it possibly can! I need to see the world. It's too beautiful to miss out on!

1. Learn to LOVE YOURSELF.
Simple concept, most difficult thing to actually achieve. In my case, at least. My ex always told me "You can't love someone else unless you can love yourself". He wasn't wrong, he just happened to be a terrible facilitator of self-love. It's too easy to listen to the people telling you all the things to dislike about yourself. And I don't really have any advice on how to achieve self-love. It's just a thing that happened, and it was completely out of the blue. I think self-love is the result of a combination of all of these things that I've been discussing in this post. I was in Dallas, alone, treating myself to some coffee and breakfast and it just happened. I was feeling rather low, like nothing was ever going to go my way and then something just clicked and now everything is better.




In conclusion, you're a young twenty-something. Everything is still very new, only now you have to freedom to explore it for yourself. So enjoy life, and try not to let things get to you.

Happy Tuesday!






Soundtrack for this post: The Valley by Eisley

Saturday, October 19, 2013

On Art, Emotion, and My Early Twenties

It's true what they say about finding yourself in college. In high school, you think you know who you are, but you are mistaken. You try on some hats and some of them fit and some of them don't but even the ones that fit wear down after a while. College is where you learn that you don't need a hat. That everyone has bad hair days and it's best not to hide from them.

I'm a natural procrastinator and I definitely waited until the last minute to really start soul searching. I spent my first two years trying (unsuccessfully) to fit in with the crowd and dress, talk, and act like everyone else around me, but that soon became exhausting. Right before my junior year, I had a rough breakup and met a guy (with whom I would have an even worse breakup) who really pushed me to find my true self. I'm pretty sure that's the only positive impact he had on my life. But we won't go there tonight.

My junior year in college is when I began to question everything I thought I knew about myself. Do I really want to continue in music? Is there something better out there? Can I do more? Am I just stuck here forever?? And the seeming finality of my music education degree coming to a close suffocated me until I decided that I had to take a break from it and experience new things. Different things. I'd been a music freak my entire life. I liked my music hat, but the colors had faded.

In the spring of my first Senior year, I did not enroll in classes. I began to paint periodically. I'd paint things for my boyfriend to hang on the walls of his apartment. I even sponge painted his bedroom wall (and it looked AWESOME). The painting was therapeutic for me. There were a lot going on in my life that were not pleasant but I could escape all of that by listening to Jaymay or Brandi Carlile or The Rocket Summer and gently stroking my weary soul with the soft bristles of a paintbrush. It's nice to let your emotions course through your blood, letting your body release everything for a moment.

Our breakup was life-changing. It is the most difficult thing I have experienced so far. But it led me to my real passion for music: Songwriting. I wrote so much music. I experienced a variety of emotions, but mostly sadness, confusion, and anger. I find it hard to describe my music for some reason. Songwriting is such an intimate experience for me. I get real with myself. I examine and reexamine until I can get the exact words to match the way I feel. This intimacy gives me a deep emotional connection to my music. It's just so real. That summer I also enrolled in a drawing class at my local community college where I learned that I can actually make a decent drawing, and this soon became another form of artistic therapy.

The most intense art therapy session occurred while I was driving around central and north Texas taking landscape photos for my photography class. The week before had been rough. I had been struggling with letting something go and I just felt low every day. I was afraid that I was falling back into the pit that I had been working so hard to escape. On the way to Dallas, I saw an exit for Bear Creek Road. One of my favorite albums is Brandi Carlile's Bear Creek, so I decided to throw that album on and see where Bear Creek Road would lead me. I ended up discovering this beautiful nature reserve and getting some nice shots. Since I wasn't ready to go home and face my issues, I decided to take myself on a date to one of my favorite spots in Dallas, a local diner called Café Brasil. I ordered my bottomless coffee and migas just as always and I sat and I thought and I hung out with myself for the evening. During this time with myself, I discovered the answer to my dilemma. I enjoy being on my own. This reasoning may be selfish, but when I'm on my own, I don't have to answer to anyone or worry so much about hurting someone's feelings by doing what I want to do. As I sat alone in a Café on a Saturday night, I liked myself for the first time in years.

There's something about creating that makes me feel like I'm truly in my element. I can't thrive in an environment that doesn't allow for creativity. And that's where my problem with music education lies. I'm only saying this as a fact about myself; I know things are different for everyone, but I don't feel as though I have the creative freedom to really feel fulfilled. Education is a wonderful thing and I know so many people who do feel fulfilled through teaching and that is beautiful. Those people are beautiful and should be given much more appreciation and recognition than they receive. I, however, am not one of those people.

When I told my family that I want to move to Nashville after graduation and become a "professional hobbyist" (as I like to call it), they weren't thrilled. They don't understand that I need to have the freedom to express myself through different forms of art. They worry that I'll end up broke and homeless, and that's a valid concern, but I can't imagine doing the exact same thing day after day. That's how school became such a burden for me. Too much time doing things for everyone else and no time to take care of myself. I'm going to Nashville and I'm going to write my music, make my paintings, and take my photos and hope that by taking care of myself, I can share my creations with others and help them take care of themselves. It just feels right.



Just a side note:
I wish music wasn't such an isolated community here at Baylor. I don't know how it is in other places, but I wish there were more opportunities to be creative in different ways. I get bored and exhausted when I focus on one thing for too long. And all art is connected. The same concepts are used in each discipline, each in its own, unique way. That's fascinating. I feel like that should be the basis for community, but instead, there's a separation and a lack of knowledge and understanding, which is unfortunate.

Sunday, September 29, 2013

Sunday Morning Musings

I'm going to start treating Sundays as "New Beginning Days". The previous week is over. The good, the bad, and the mundane are all in the past. Holding on to any of it will only hold me back. Some weeks, I'll go to church with my favorite couple Stephen and Destiny. Some weeks will be like this week where I sit alone, drink delicious coffee, and ponder. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll veg out and watch TV all day, maybe I'll go out and have an adventure. Maybe I'll see people and maybe I won't. No matter what I do, I will see it as a new beginning. I will let go of the last seven days and I will let myself be free.

This last week had so much going on, it felt like an entire month had passed by the time it was over. I had a huge project looming over my head. I had to assert what I know to be best for myself and people got hurt. I saw one of my favorite bands live for the first time and experienced pure euphoria.

But that's all over. And that's okay. In fact, it's beautiful. If I hang on to the past (even the good), I leave no room to love the present, which is really where it's at, amirite? 

*Inhale fresh air*

*Exhale old air*

Everything is new.






Soundtrack to this post: "Every New Day" by Five Iron Frenzy

Thursday, August 22, 2013

Six Month Progress Report

It's been nearly six months since my most life-altering event yet so I felt the need to do a little progress report. And it may not be as positive as I had hoped. 

There's something about ending a relationship that you thought was invincible that changes something inside of you.  When you build a life in your mind that revolves around one person that you loved more than you ever thought possible and you realize all those fantasies are, well... just fantasies. When you feel empty. When you have to force yourself out of bed in the morning. When you have to tear yourself away from the computer screen on which you watched the entire series of How I Met Your Mother in just a few weeks just so that you can be reminded that your college experience didn't bring you life long friendships like Lily, Marshall, and Ted. 

And I'm not exaggerating. 

I'm thankful that I was able to spend my summer in Houston. God knows I'd be a complete wreck if I had tried to tough it out in Waco. And thank God I didn't have to try an endure finals on top of everything else that happened. Thank God for friends like Sami, Moe, Leo, and all of the other wonderful people I met for being there. I miss everyone terribly. 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent most of my summer trying to drown out my thoughts with nightly trips to The Flying Saucer and endless socialization. Trying to fill the void where Abby used to be with bubbly, amber goodness. I'm really just walking around in this shell that looks like me on the outside. But it doesn't feel like me on the inside. It doesn't feel like anything, really. Sometimes it feels like anger, which is the closest thing to feeling alive. Sometimes it feels like drunk, which is really just to mute the sad, which seems to be ever-present. 

You'd think six months would have made this easier. 

This all sounds so emo and childish and I hate that it's so real. It's just stupid. It makes me feel stupid. And that's why I try not to talk about it. First, because I don't want to be that person always whining about their ex, because who wants to hang out with that person (but I'm that person way more often than I'd care to admit)? Second, because I know it's stupid and I don't want to feel these things or think about those people but it won't go away. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, it's in the back of my mind. 

And because of this, I'm afraid of everyone. I don't trust anyone. I try so hard to let my guard down and let people in, but I can't anymore. I prefer the loneliness, I guess. I've noticed recently that I can't even make eye contact with people. It makes me uncomfortable, like they're going to see something about me that isn't worth liking. 

He emailed me on Sunday. Said he was in Denver and Five Iron Frenzy asked about me. I lashed out and told him he's never to answer for me since he's shown that he can't properly represent me. I told him not to ask about me. That I didn't want to be his business and I didn't want him to be mine. I almost ended my response with, "I still love you and I hate it," but I decided it was unnecessary and I deleted it. But it's true. For some stupid reason, I still love this man who lies and schemes and manipulates and I loathe myself for it. I should hate him. I should despise him. Yet I think about him nearly every second of every day. I dream about him. I've dreamed about having conversations with him that go absolutely nowhere. And I hate how I feel after waking up. 

I hate being back in Waco. There's too much here. But I have to get a degree. I hate you, America, for basically making college mandatory. And so expensive. It isn't fair. Some of us just can't handle it. There's too much pressure to conform to too many people's ideas of who you should and shouldn't be. All I want is to be left alone. 

I don't have the energy to deal with Baylor again. I'm going to crack under the pressure. I'm going to disappoint more people. I just don't feel ready to go back. I'm afraid. I just don't care anymore. Other people care so much about grades and GPA and they don't realize that there's more to life than the number 4. 

My parents don't believe in therapy. I wish I could change that because I honestly need it. I don't need medicine, I just need someone to talk to. A professional. Someone who can help me come to terms with things I've experienced in college because it hasn't been pretty. 

There are people I wish I had never met. Things I wish I had never done. But I have to remember that regret can't change the past. 

I'm sorry if this has been ridiculously depressing and slightly worrisome. I just thought it was fair that everyone knew what my brain was up to. I miss Houston. I miss Home.  

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Sitting on a Park Bench

I recently finished Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story, and let me tell you, it is life changing. First of all, let's talk about the author. Donald Miller is probably best known for Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, which is a great book that I haven't read in years. Even though I've only read two of his works, Donald Miller now sits alongside Neil Gaiman, J.K. Rowling, and Ray Bradbury as one of my favorite authors. I find Donald Miller's honesty and practicality to be refreshing. He is eloquent and descriptive, yet he doesn't sugar coat. I feel like we're friends, like I really got to know him and I like that.

I read this book over a span of two days. One was spent in a Starbucks and the other on a park bench. The day on the park bench is what I'm here to talk about. The book, as a whole, relates life to a story. Donald talks about the time spent turning one of his books into a movie. He had to move parts of the story and even add to it in order to make it something a person would pay money to sit and watch for an hour or two. The main concept of story, as Donald learns, is that:

1. There must be a character.
2. We must like said character.
3. The character must want something.
4. The character must overcome hardship and make sacrifices in order to obtain this something.

And this relates to life in many ways. It was going through this process that Donald realized he wanted to make his life into a better story. In the book, he tells us some of his "practice stories" like when he called his dad after thirty years or when he biked across the U.S.

As I was sitting on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas (not far from his former home in Pearland, TX), the scenarios and feelings he described kept hitting home in deep ways. I read about his breakup with the girl he thought he was going to marry and thought about my recent breakup with a guy I thought I might marry one day. He wrote of the numbness that followed and I examined my own numbness. Then, he shared with us the day he decided to let go and feel the pain that he knew was there. To let the bones break and the blood from his broken heart spill onto the floor. My friends, I sat on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas and wept over the loss of someone whom I loved more than anyone else before. Someone I loved more than I thought I was capable.

I realized I had been pretending that I didn't care. Pretending that I thought he was scum and not worthy of my tears. But on that bench, under the sun, I allowed myself to grieve. And the release is beyond words.

I learned so much more in the two days that I spent reading this book than I learned in the last four years I've spent in college. I learned  that there is no good story without hardship. That the trials we face and the pain we endure make our story better. They make our character better.

Reading about the elements of story applied to life caused me to reevaluate the way I've been looking at my current situation. I just moved back to Houston from Waco because things got rough in school, I broke off my serious relationship, and I felt like no one loved me or cared about me. It was all about me, me, me. Everyone was so mean to me. Now, I want this sadness and loneliness to make my story and my character better.  I want to become stronger. I am stronger than I think I am. It took courage and strength to end that relationship. It took a strength that I didn't even know I had. I guess that's what risk and sacrifice do. They show you that you're stronger than you think.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am brave.

I will take risks in life. I won't settle for a mediocre story. I want an epic.

So I will make it.


Thursday, April 4, 2013

Gnocchi Bake, Take One!

Inspired by my roommate Paige Brown, I've made an "I don't want to go grocery shopping" recipe. :] Since I'm moving out in a few days, obviously, I don't want to go buy a crap ton of food, so I decided to see what I could do with the random things in my kitchen.

I found:
A box of gnocchi
Some pasta sauce
Pizza cheese
Chicken

With these things, I decided to try and make a gnocchi bake. Here is my process:
Preheat oven to 350.
While oven is heating (I like to multitask), boil gnocchi until tender, or as directed on package.
Cut chicken (I used 2 boneless, skinless breasts) into bite sized pieces (I just cooked it raw, and some of it was a little under cooked and I had to nuke it. Next time, I plan on seasoning it with garlic, basil, and other Italian herbs and throwing it on a skillet).
Toss chicken and gnocchi into a baking pan.
Pour the entire--yes, the entire jar/can/what have you of pasta sauce over your chicken and gnocchi and top with as much cheese as you want! I used a pizza blend because that's all I had, but you can use whichever kind you want.
Shove this mess into the oven and let it bake for 30 minutes.

Aside from slightly under cooked chicken, this recipe was a success! I like recipes that are quick and easy to make. I plan on repeating this and perfecting it. Once I get it just the way I want it, I'll share it again.

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Something About Closing Doors

This blog is no longer relevant. But, I thought the Internet deserves to see in writing how I felt about a week ago...



Herro, Internet friends. I'd like to share with you a piece of my soul in the form of a song. I woke up at 7:30 am the other day with words bouncing around in my head and had to take advantage of the opportunity!

As you all know, my boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. Don't worry, it was nothing messy, just something that needed to happen so we could both be happy in the end. I had a fantastic time getting to know this man and he really means a lot to me and he always will.

This song is a brief recap of how things went from perfect to not so perfect. We both changed, but in ways that didn't compliment each other. And that's the saddest part. We show nothing but our best in the beginning, but as we get comfortable, our darker sides come out of hiding and sometimes, it's too much to deal with. We don't mean to hurt each other or ourselves, but it happens.

I don't have any regrets. I don't harbor any hard feelings. I'm sad but happy.






In the beginning, we always put our best foot forward. 
I remember saying, "I see no bad in you."
In the beginning, we never need our questions answered. 
I remember thinking, "I'll never have to worry again."

I guess it got too hard. 
I guess we got tired of being our best. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay the person you first met. 
I'm sorry for all the crazy shit I said. 
I loved you, but not enough to let you go. 
I loved you way too much to keep you close. 

Somewhere in the middle, we started picking on each other. 
I remember saying, "You're always so mean to me."
Somewhere in the middle, we started getting insecure. 
I remember thinking, "I'll never feel safe again."

I guess it got too hard. 
I guess we got tied of being our best. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay the person you first met. 
I'm sorry for all the crazy shit I said. 
I loved you, but not enough to let you go. 
I loved you way too much to keep you close. 

I will always love you for who you were in the beginning.
I will always love you for you have become. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always love you. 
I will always. 


So there you have it, friends. It's time to start a new journey. 

Monday, March 11, 2013

Gettin' Crafty

One of my favorite things to do is to listen to good music and paint. I'd been out of ideas for a week or two, but I was dying to get creative! Thanks to pinterest, I've seen tons of painted cutoffs. Roughly 90% of my shorts are cutoffs, so this project was perfect for me.

So I broke out the brushes and acrylics and got to work. The original idea was to use white and purple for the stripes, but this bright red caught my eye and wasn't going to leave me alone. My lovely facebook and Twitter friends told me to put stars on the butt, which was a fantastic idea. I'm so proud of the way these turned out. Too bad it's cold. I want to wear them RIGHT MEOW!

So there you have it. My new-,ish shorts! Thanks for reading, Internet!

Monday, February 25, 2013

Music Monday!

Am I going to to spam you with multiple posts in a day?

Yes. Yes I am.

Why?

Because today is a special, special day for music and one special inhabitant of Fort Worth, Texas.

Ten years ago, my favorite album was released.
If you're familiar with me, you probably already know that this album is Calendar Days by The Rocket Summer (Bryce Avary).
And if you're familiar with me, you know where this is going. 

ALBUM REVIEW/LOVEFEST! 
I'm nerding out today to tell you why each and every song on here is special to me. Because they all are. They're all amazing. 

In the words of my favorite comedian Jerry Seinfeld, "Let's start the insanity!"

Track One: 
Cross My Heart
Favorite Musical Element: Upbeat tempo. It's really good to listen to first thing in the morning to get you going. The sound is so poppy! I like it! 
Favorite Lyric: "I know everything went wrong, okay. But now's the time to get to better days. 'Cause I don't wanna keep acting this way."
Why I Like It: I like to use this song as a mission statement for bettering myself and my situation. The upbeat nature of this track really gets my heart to a good place. It's fun to sing along with as well! But this entire album is like that. 

Track Two:
Skies So Blue 
Favorite Musical Element: Moar uplifting tonalities. Everything about this song is pop. And it's so great. 
Favorite Lyric: "I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad?"
Why I Like It: There's no way you can't be in a good mood after listening to this song. There's just no way. This track is so uplifting and poppy that it makes you feel like sunshine. I mean, seriously? Why always be sad? The sky's such a sweet blue! 

Track Three:
This Is Me
Three is me! Haha. Ok. That's done. 
Favorite Musical Element: The piano riff at the beginning sounds so cool. It's always been my favorite part of the song.  
Favorite Lyric: "Just remember what's right for me may be not right for you." 
Why I Like It: Recognize the title? Another mission statement song. "I know what I want to do and I want it to be true." This is the exact reason for this blog. It's like the lyrics of every one of these songs were written for me. 

Track Four:
Saturday
Favorite Musical Element: I think this song really showcases Bryce's talent on the drums (he writes and performs EVERYTHING. He's so talented I could die). His fills are super catchy and I can't help but bounce around like a four year old who's had one too many Oreos. 
Favorite Lyric: "I need to think this time is time for me and you to be a phrase that I would always use in the context like I belong to you."
Why I Like It: Who doesn't wish it were Saturday every day? It's a good Wednesday song. Wednesday has always been my least favorite day of the week. I always think, "Man, everything would be better if it were Saturday." And then this song gets stuck in my head. See? Perfect. 

Track Five: 
She's My Baby
Favorite Musical Element: I love the way he plays with meter in this song. 
Favorite Lyric: "Here's how it sounds to be let down..."
Why I Like It: It's a really cute song (I assume about his wife). I love how the older I get the more I understand the lyrics to these songs. This song is really, really sweet. D'awwwwwwww!! 

Track Six:
That's So You
Favorite Musical Element: This melody is AMAZING for harmonizing. This is why I listen to a ton of male singer-songwriters. I love to harmonize. 
Favorite Lyric: "So thanks for your help. You shine so bright. You are the star that's in my sky. I am yours and you are mine."
Why I Like It: I have always loved a good love song. And this is a good love song. It's so sweet! For a long time, this was my favorite song on the album. It's still amazing, but I switch favorites so often because I keep discovering things in other songs and obsessing over them for a while. 

Track Seven:
Mean Thoughts and Cheap Shots
Favorite Musical Element: There's a fun piano interlude toward the middle of the song. 
Favorite Lyric: "We will show the world just how we passed this test. And we will show the world we're better than this mess."
Why I Like It: This is my "everybody's being mean to me!" song. It really helps me feel better when I'm having a rough time with someone else or myself. I use it as a reminder that I am better than that. I really love being encouraged by music in this way. 

Track Eight:
Movie Stars and Super Models
Favorite Musical Element: The rhythm section. YES. 
Favorite Lyric: "And a sparkle is the reflection in my eye."
Why I Like It: I dig the message in this song. I just really dig this guy's honesty in his lyrics. He sees that by observing the lives of other people on TV and such, he's not looking at his own life and is therefore unsatisfied with it. It's a good reminder to watch what you watch. 

Track Nine:
What We Hate, We Make
Favorite Musical Element: UM. EVERYTHING. But for real, my favorite thing is the tinkly (that's the word that came into my head, guys. Judge all you want) melody in the piano. Guhhhhh I die every time. My heart. It makes my heart feel. And I can't give it words. 
Favorite Lyric: You mean I have to CHOOSE??? "I'm breaking my heart tonight so you can see what's inside."
Why I Like It: This song has been with me for so many things. I could write pages on how many situations this song has helped me through. I can't put this information into words. All I can say is if there is any song on this album that you must listen to, it is this one. I wish I could have you feel what it makes me feel. It's so good. Some people may think it's absolutely ridiculous that a song that some random guy wrote could have this much of an influence on me, but it's true. This song. Is the best song. 

Track Ten: 
TV Family
Favorite Musical Element: I really like the xylophone he adds into the chorus. And then the guitar riff in the second verse. 
Favorite Lyric: "I don't know much but I know we will be happy as a TV family. Except times infinity."
Why I Like It: Again, I dig his honesty and I feel like this is an honest song about his faith. In the words of my friend Randy, Bryce really knows how to "be about it". I feel like this album is about who Bryce is and his faith is definitely part of that. 

You guys, I had so much fun listening to this album about four times and writing about my love for it. I really hope you give this guy's music a listen. He's on Spotify and he's brilliant. He's also going on tour in April, so you should go check him out! He puts on a crazy good show. He's from Fort Worth, so he always makes a Dallas stop. It's not even that far! 

Now that I'm done advertising... Well, I'm just done. See you round, Internet friendz! 




[Ch'i]s Louise!


Recently, John and I have gotten into Feng Shui. We redesigned his entire apartment according to various guidelines and secrets we found in Feng Shui books. Over the past few days, I've been rearranging my apartment in order to add more energy into my life. 

I'm reading a book called Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life by Karen Rauch Carter. This book gives detailed information into all aspects of Feng Shui and has a chapter devoted to each of the nine guas, or areas of the home which pertain to a specific aspect of life. The first chapter is about the prosperity gua, or the back left corner of your home or room. By adding or removing different items from your prosperity gua, you can either help or hurt your prosperity in life. Prosperity is not solely focused on money and material goods, but if you do wish to have a little extra cash to spend on luxuries, this is the place to focus that energy. 

I won't go into all the details of what should and should not be found in you prosperity corner, but I will share something I made for mine! One of the "power tools" for prosperity and abundance is running water. A fountain or a fish bowl would be the most effective way to energize the flow of money in you life, but the way my apartment is designed, I lack the space for one. Instead, I decided to use symbolism and create my own image of running water. I chose to paint a symbol of running water because I would like for my own creativity to be abundant (but let's be real. I could use some extra cash). I want art, music, and other creative things to flow from me freely. I want art to be my livelihood. 

And so, the image above is the painting of running water I made to hang in my prosperity corner. Let's hope it brings much artistic inspiration and income into my life! :D 

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Don't Get Me Wrong, I Still Love Music

I've posted about how my music degree has been dragging me down, but this doesn't mean I'm completely done with music. I have it on in the background for nearly everything I do. A really great song still gives me feels I can't even name.

I'd like to share an album I came across recently that had an impact on me. I don't know if there is an album in your life that, when asked to play only one song, you can't decide because they're all so good. Bear Creek by Brandi Carlile is one of those albums to me. I first heard this song in an art gallery in Denton, Texas. The woman working in the shop showed me her favorite track and I knew I had to have this album. Every single song is so different and so wonderful. The common denominator for this album is the use of acoustic instruments. Brandi's voice is big, powerful, and a little rough around the edges. I was trained classically from the age of twelve, which means I spent a lot of time around vocal perfectionists. As impressive as a beautiful, perfect classical performance can be, I find more beauty and feeling in voice with a rougher, more raw sound.

Some of my favorite moments on the album:


Favorite Vocal Moments:
Track 2: Raise Hell. This track really shows the power in Brandi's voice. I absolutely love the rugged sound of the instrumentation and her voice.
Track 8: I'll Still Be There: The buildup in this song is what really gets me. There's a point near the end of the song that reminds me of a drop in electronic music, where everything stops for a beat or two and comes back in more powerful than before. It's one of those things that I want to make sure someone hears on their first listen.
Track 11: Rise Again: I love how this song had a much more alternative sound than any of the other songs on this album. I really repsect Not to mention the impressive range. This woman's voice is serious. She can do all kinds of things that I only wish I could.


Favorite Lyrics:
I mean, really, every song's lyrics are fantastic. But these really stuck out to me.
Track 2: Raise Hell: "You have mind to keep my quiet and although you can try, better men have hit their knees and bigger men have died." My thought the first time I heard this: "HELL YES."
Track 4: That Wasn't Me: In the last chorus, she switches up some of the lyrics:
"Do I make myself a blessing to everyone I meet? 
When you fall, I will get you on your feet. 
Do I spend time with my family?
Did it show when I was weak?
When that's what you see, that will be me."
I don't know if this was meant as a personal mission statement, but doesn't it make an awesome one? I mean, I'd love it if everyone I knew thought I was humble, loving, and supportive. 
Track 6: 100: "When you close your eyes at night and you rise above your life..." I just think this is an awesome way of describing sleeping. I never would have thought of that. Kudos on your creativity, Brandi! 

So, sometimes, I nerd out and write blogs about music I like. I hope you enjoyed it and I really hope you give her a listen. She's quite talented indeed. 



Saturday, February 2, 2013

Land of Life and Beauty.

Well, I finally put this semester break to good use. John and I road tripped to California and man oh, man, did it have an effect on me. I had no idea what I would see and discover about the world and myself. Here's a day to day account of our journey.


Day One: West Texas
I don't know if there's really anything to say about west Texas. The people are friendly and the steak is great! Other than that, it's nothing for miles and miles and miles.

Day Two: New Mexico
I spent most of the day driving through New Mexico. The scenery is absolutely breathtaking. Mountains slowly come into view and the hills are sprinkled with tiny towns. We stopped in Albuquerque for some car maintenance and while we were there, we decided to hit up their museum of natural history. We watched a short film in the planetarium about the search for other  habitable planets in the universe. It stirred up some subjects I hadn't really thought about since childhood: Are we really the only life forms in all of everything? Is our existence THAT much of a fluke? What would the other life forms be like? How advanced would their civilization be? The film was optimistic about 2013 being a great year for discovery so I plan to keep watching the Internet for exciting things.

After the museum, we drove until we decided to rest in Flagstaff, Arizona and this is what we woke to see:


Day Three: The Grand Canyon, The Hoover Dam, and Vegas
I still have yet to see the Grand Canyon. The fog was so dense we couldn't see much of anything. I did, however, see this awesome cat sculpture! 


After moar driving (SO. MUCH. DRIVING.), we came across the Hoover Dam, which is probably the most massive man-made structure I've ever seen. We drove over a new bridge that looks like something out of Lord of the Rings. John and I decided that it reminds us of the statues of Argonath. If that doesn't put the size of the bridge in perspective for you, then I can't help you. It's huge. 

If you've never seen the Hoover Dam before, here you go! 


VEGAS. Vegas was a surprise for me. I had never seen why people were so fascinated with the place. It seemed like a place of shallow consumerism and irresponsibility. The closer we got, the more excited I became. On the strip, anything you can imagine can be brought to life. Everything is extravagant. Everything. Las Vegas is definitely a sight for everyone to see at least once. We stayed the night at the Bellagio, which is one of the casinos featured in Ocean's Eleven. Like any good tourists, we watched it that evening. The fountains out front put on a show every thirty minutes. The fountains are synchronized with music that you can tune into on the television and it's pretty spectacular. Here's the view from our window: 



NUTS, right? I couldn't believe how awesome everything was. I'd definitely visit again! 

Days Four-Seven: Los Angeles, California. AKA Heaven. 
I spent my life hearing how amazing California is and listening to musicians dream about the beauty and opportunity that can be found there. I figured it was probably overrated, but I wanted to see it for myself, especially after hearing what my lovely former roommate had to say about her formative years spent in L.A. I was excited, but nowhere near prepared for the beauty of this place. One minute you're in a desert and the next, you're in the midst of lush, green vegetation. The vibe in L.A. is something else entirely. From the moment you enter the city, you feel the hope, the drive, and the acceptance that L.A. brings. It's a city where you can truly be yourself. 

The first stop we made was Venice Beach. If there is any place that I can feel right at home, it is Venice. Even though it was foggy and cold, Venice was packed with people of all sorts. There were people surfing on waves you couldn't even see, people selling art, people making music, and all sorts of other things. If you're an artist of any sort, Venice is the place to go for inspiration and publicity. Here's a tiny taste of the things I saw: 



One must-do for California visitors: Take a drive through the hills of Malibu. Everything is green, even in January! The houses that dot the hills are beautiful and every turn brings new delights for your eyeballs. And the sunsets. Words do not do the sunsets justice. Pictures do not do the sunsets justice. All I can say is if I got to look out over the Pacific Ocean stretching out into infinity with the sun sinking over the edge, sending out rays of neon colors every day, I would have an entirely different outlook on life. 





California sends a different message than Texas. Growing up in Texas, you're taught that what's important is being larger than life and that climbing the ladder of success is the only route to happiness. California teaches you what real beauty is. It teaches you that there are bigger, better things out there than doing what you're told.



If you wake up to this every morning, I don't know how you could ever be unhappy. I just don't. 


The original plan was to head to Costa Rica, but sometimes, plans change. Although I still haven't left the country, I've seen that America still has beauty. I have no regrets about this trip at all. It opened my eyes to the fact that you can live life the way you want to. You don't have to suffer just to live comfortably. You know the phrase, "If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it, too?" Still relevant. Everyone's going to college, to grad school, and then to careers that suck the life out of life. I'm not going to jump off that bridge with everyone else. I'll finish my degree, but after that, I will live my life. I don't want to work my life.

I got to visit with an old friend who continues to be a role model of mine. I was surprised when the Internet told me she was moving to California. After seeing all of her pictures and posts about being in California, I was DYING to talk to her about her experiences. She's having the time of her life and she isn't hiding it. She's succeeding in following her dreams and I have seriously never seen someone smile so much! Her bravery has inspired me to break the mold and to just go for things that I want. 

Forcing myself to leave California was one of the more difficult things I've had to do in my life. I'll be back. I hope to live there for a few years, at least, but we'll see where life takes me. I live my life in pencil, you see.

If you've ever watched the show Six Feet Under, I'm sure you're familiar with the song that plays in the very last episode: "Breathe Me" by Sia. I really identified with the character Claire, who is a young girl about my age, searching for the same answers and meaning to life and work as I am. This song was played as she left L.A.


 My boyfriend played it as we left and it brought me to tears. Leaving was so hard. I didn't want to come back to Texas life. I wanted to stay there forever. I love so many people here, but I will miss the opportunity and glory of California. But I will be back. One day. 

Texas, you may have my body. California, you have my heart and soul.