Sunday Morning Musings

I'm going to start treating Sundays as "New Beginning Days". The previous week is over. The good, the bad, and the mundane are all in the past. Holding on to any of it will only hold me back. Some weeks, I'll go to church with my favorite couple Stephen and Destiny. Some weeks will be like this week where I sit alone, drink delicious coffee, and ponder. Maybe I'll write, maybe I'll veg out and watch TV all day, maybe I'll go out and have an adventure. Maybe I'll see people and maybe I won't. No matter what I do, I will see it as a new beginning. I will let go of the last seven days and I will let myself be free.

This last week had so much going on, it felt like an entire month had passed by the time it was over. I had a huge project looming over my head. I had to assert what I know to be best for myself and people got hurt. I saw one of my favorite bands live for the first time and experienced pure euphoria.

But that's all over. And that's okay. In fact, it's beautiful. If I hang on to the past (even the good), I leave no room to love the present, which is really where it's at, amirite? 

*Inhale fresh air*

*Exhale old air*

Everything is new.

Soundtrack to this post: "Every New Day" by Five Iron Frenzy

Six Month Progress Report

It's been nearly six months since my most life-altering event yet so I felt the need to do a little progress report. And it may not be as positive as I had hoped. 

There's something about ending a relationship that you thought was invincible that changes something inside of you.  When you build a life in your mind that revolves around one person that you loved more than you ever thought possible and you realize all those fantasies are, well... just fantasies. When you feel empty. When you have to force yourself out of bed in the morning. When you have to tear yourself away from the computer screen on which you watched the entire series of How I Met Your Mother in just a few weeks just so that you can be reminded that your college experience didn't bring you life long friendships like Lily, Marshall, and Ted. 

And I'm not exaggerating. 

I'm thankful that I was able to spend my summer in Houston. God knows I'd be a complete wreck if I had tried to tough it out in Waco. And thank God I didn't have to try an endure finals on top of everything else that happened. Thank God for friends like Sami, Moe, Leo, and all of the other wonderful people I met for being there. I miss everyone terribly. 

I'm not gonna lie, I spent most of my summer trying to drown out my thoughts with nightly trips to The Flying Saucer and endless socialization. Trying to fill the void where Abby used to be with bubbly, amber goodness. I'm really just walking around in this shell that looks like me on the outside. But it doesn't feel like me on the inside. It doesn't feel like anything, really. Sometimes it feels like anger, which is the closest thing to feeling alive. Sometimes it feels like drunk, which is really just to mute the sad, which seems to be ever-present. 

You'd think six months would have made this easier. 

This all sounds so emo and childish and I hate that it's so real. It's just stupid. It makes me feel stupid. And that's why I try not to talk about it. First, because I don't want to be that person always whining about their ex, because who wants to hang out with that person (but I'm that person way more often than I'd care to admit)? Second, because I know it's stupid and I don't want to feel these things or think about those people but it won't go away. No matter what I'm doing or who I'm with, it's in the back of my mind. 

And because of this, I'm afraid of everyone. I don't trust anyone. I try so hard to let my guard down and let people in, but I can't anymore. I prefer the loneliness, I guess. I've noticed recently that I can't even make eye contact with people. It makes me uncomfortable, like they're going to see something about me that isn't worth liking. 

He emailed me on Sunday. Said he was in Denver and Five Iron Frenzy asked about me. I lashed out and told him he's never to answer for me since he's shown that he can't properly represent me. I told him not to ask about me. That I didn't want to be his business and I didn't want him to be mine. I almost ended my response with, "I still love you and I hate it," but I decided it was unnecessary and I deleted it. But it's true. For some stupid reason, I still love this man who lies and schemes and manipulates and I loathe myself for it. I should hate him. I should despise him. Yet I think about him nearly every second of every day. I dream about him. I've dreamed about having conversations with him that go absolutely nowhere. And I hate how I feel after waking up. 

I hate being back in Waco. There's too much here. But I have to get a degree. I hate you, America, for basically making college mandatory. And so expensive. It isn't fair. Some of us just can't handle it. There's too much pressure to conform to too many people's ideas of who you should and shouldn't be. All I want is to be left alone. 

I don't have the energy to deal with Baylor again. I'm going to crack under the pressure. I'm going to disappoint more people. I just don't feel ready to go back. I'm afraid. I just don't care anymore. Other people care so much about grades and GPA and they don't realize that there's more to life than the number 4. 

My parents don't believe in therapy. I wish I could change that because I honestly need it. I don't need medicine, I just need someone to talk to. A professional. Someone who can help me come to terms with things I've experienced in college because it hasn't been pretty. 

There are people I wish I had never met. Things I wish I had never done. But I have to remember that regret can't change the past. 

I'm sorry if this has been ridiculously depressing and slightly worrisome. I just thought it was fair that everyone knew what my brain was up to. I miss Houston. I miss Home.  

Sitting on a Park Bench

I recently finished Donald Miller's A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: How I Learned to Live a Better Story, and let me tell you, it is life changing. First of all, let's talk about the author. Donald Miller is probably best known for Blue Like Jazz: Nonreligious Thoughts on Christian Spirituality, which is a great book that I haven't read in years. Even though I've only read two of his works, Donald Miller now sits alongside Neil Gaiman, J.K. Rowling, and Ray Bradbury as one of my favorite authors. I find Donald Miller's honesty and practicality to be refreshing. He is eloquent and descriptive, yet he doesn't sugar coat. I feel like we're friends, like I really got to know him and I like that.

I read this book over a span of two days. One was spent in a Starbucks and the other on a park bench. The day on the park bench is what I'm here to talk about. The book, as a whole, relates life to a story. Donald talks about the time spent turning one of his books into a movie. He had to move parts of the story and even add to it in order to make it something a person would pay money to sit and watch for an hour or two. The main concept of story, as Donald learns, is that:

1. There must be a character.
2. We must like said character.
3. The character must want something.
4. The character must overcome hardship and make sacrifices in order to obtain this something.

And this relates to life in many ways. It was going through this process that Donald realized he wanted to make his life into a better story. In the book, he tells us some of his "practice stories" like when he called his dad after thirty years or when he biked across the U.S.

As I was sitting on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas (not far from his former home in Pearland, TX), the scenarios and feelings he described kept hitting home in deep ways. I read about his breakup with the girl he thought he was going to marry and thought about my recent breakup with a guy I thought I might marry one day. He wrote of the numbness that followed and I examined my own numbness. Then, he shared with us the day he decided to let go and feel the pain that he knew was there. To let the bones break and the blood from his broken heart spill onto the floor. My friends, I sat on a park bench in Sugar Land, Texas and wept over the loss of someone whom I loved more than anyone else before. Someone I loved more than I thought I was capable.

I realized I had been pretending that I didn't care. Pretending that I thought he was scum and not worthy of my tears. But on that bench, under the sun, I allowed myself to grieve. And the release is beyond words.

I learned so much more in the two days that I spent reading this book than I learned in the last four years I've spent in college. I learned  that there is no good story without hardship. That the trials we face and the pain we endure make our story better. They make our character better.

Reading about the elements of story applied to life caused me to reevaluate the way I've been looking at my current situation. I just moved back to Houston from Waco because things got rough in school, I broke off my serious relationship, and I felt like no one loved me or cared about me. It was all about me, me, me. Everyone was so mean to me. Now, I want this sadness and loneliness to make my story and my character better.  I want to become stronger. I am stronger than I think I am. It took courage and strength to end that relationship. It took a strength that I didn't even know I had. I guess that's what risk and sacrifice do. They show you that you're stronger than you think.

I am strong. I am beautiful. I am brave.

I will take risks in life. I won't settle for a mediocre story. I want an epic.

So I will make it.

Gnocchi Bake, Take One!

Inspired by my roommate Paige Brown, I've made an "I don't want to go grocery shopping" recipe. :] Since I'm moving out in a few days, obviously, I don't want to go buy a crap ton of food, so I decided to see what I could do with the random things in my kitchen.

I found:
A box of gnocchi
Some pasta sauce
Pizza cheese
Chicken

With these things, I decided to try and make a gnocchi bake. Here is my process:
Preheat oven to 350.
While oven is heating (I like to multitask), boil gnocchi until tender, or as directed on package.
Cut chicken (I used 2 boneless, skinless breasts) into bite sized pieces (I just cooked it raw, and some of it was a little under cooked and I had to nuke it. Next time, I plan on seasoning it with garlic, basil, and other Italian herbs and throwing it on a skillet).
Toss chicken and gnocchi into a baking pan.
Pour the entire--yes, the entire jar/can/what have you of pasta sauce over your chicken and gnocchi and top with as much cheese as you want! I used a pizza blend because that's all I had, but you can use whichever kind you want.
Shove this mess into the oven and let it bake for 30 minutes.

Aside from slightly under cooked chicken, this recipe was a success! I like recipes that are quick and easy to make. I plan on repeating this and perfecting it. Once I get it just the way I want it, I'll share it again.

Something About Closing Doors

This blog is no longer relevant. But, I thought the Internet deserves to see in writing how I felt about a week ago...



Herro, Internet friends. I'd like to share with you a piece of my soul in the form of a song. I woke up at 7:30 am the other day with words bouncing around in my head and had to take advantage of the opportunity!

As you all know, my boyfriend and I broke up about a week ago. Don't worry, it was nothing messy, just something that needed to happen so we could both be happy in the end. I had a fantastic time getting to know this man and he really means a lot to me and he always will.

This song is a brief recap of how things went from perfect to not so perfect. We both changed, but in ways that didn't compliment each other. And that's the saddest part. We show nothing but our best in the beginning, but as we get comfortable, our darker sides come out of hiding and sometimes, it's too much to deal with. We don't mean to hurt each other or ourselves, but it happens.

I don't have any regrets. I don't harbor any hard feelings. I'm sad but happy.

In the beginning, we always put our best foot forward. 

I remember saying, "I see no bad in you."

In the beginning, we never need our questions answered. 

I remember thinking, "I'll never have to worry again."

I guess it got too hard. 

I guess we got tired of being our best. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay the person you first met. 

I'm sorry for all the crazy shit I said. 

I loved you, but not enough to let you go. 

I loved you way too much to keep you close. 

Somewhere in the middle, we started picking on each other. 

I remember saying, "You're always so mean to me."

Somewhere in the middle, we started getting insecure. 

I remember thinking, "I'll never feel safe again."

I guess it got too hard. 

I guess we got tied of being our best. 

I'm sorry I didn't stay the person you first met. 

I'm sorry for all the crazy shit I said. 

I loved you, but not enough to let you go. 

I loved you way too much to keep you close. 

I will always love you for who you were in the beginning.

I will always love you for you have become. 

I will always love you. 

I will always love you. 

I will always love you. 

I will always. 

So there you have it, friends. It's time to start a new journey. 

Gettin' Crafty

One of my favorite things to do is to listen to good music and paint. I'd been out of ideas for a week or two, but I was dying to get creative! Thanks to pinterest, I've seen tons of painted cutoffs. Roughly 90% of my shorts are cutoffs, so this project was perfect for me.

So I broke out the brushes and acrylics and got to work. The original idea was to use white and purple for the stripes, but this bright red caught my eye and wasn't going to leave me alone. My lovely facebook and Twitter friends told me to put stars on the butt, which was a fantastic idea. I'm so proud of the way these turned out. Too bad it's cold. I want to wear them RIGHT MEOW!

So there you have it. My new-,ish shorts! Thanks for reading, Internet!

Music Monday!

Am I going to to spam you with multiple posts in a day?

Yes. Yes I am.

Why?

Because today is a special, special day for music and one special inhabitant of Fort Worth, Texas.

Ten years ago, my favorite album was released.

If you're familiar with me, you probably already know that this album is Calendar Days by The Rocket Summer (Bryce Avary).

And if you're familiar with me, you know where this is going. 

ALBUM REVIEW/LOVEFEST! 

I'm nerding out today to tell you why each and every song on here is special to me. Because they all are. They're all amazing. 

In the words of my favorite comedian Jerry Seinfeld, "Let's start the insanity!"

Track One: 

Cross My Heart

Favorite Musical Element: Upbeat tempo. It's really good to listen to first thing in the morning to get you going. The sound is so poppy! I like it! 

Favorite Lyric: "I know everything went wrong, okay. But now's the time to get to better days. 'Cause I don't wanna keep acting this way."

Why I Like It: I like to use this song as a mission statement for bettering myself and my situation. The upbeat nature of this track really gets my heart to a good place. It's fun to sing along with as well! But this entire album is like that. 

Track Two:

Skies So Blue 

Favorite Musical Element: Moar uplifting tonalities. Everything about this song is pop. And it's so great. 

Favorite Lyric: "I'm sorry I sound glad, but why always be so sad?"

Why I Like It: There's no way you can't be in a good mood after listening to this song. There's just no way. This track is so uplifting and poppy that it makes you feel like sunshine. I mean, seriously? Why always be sad? The sky's such a sweet blue! 

Track Three:

This Is Me

Three is me! Haha. Ok. That's done. 

Favorite Musical Element: The piano riff at the beginning sounds so cool. It's always been my favorite part of the song.  

Favorite Lyric: "Just remember what's right for me may be not right for you." 

Why I Like It: Recognize the title? Another mission statement song. "I know what I want to do and I want it to be true." This is the exact reason for this blog. It's like the lyrics of every one of these songs were written for me. 

Track Four:

Saturday

Favorite Musical Element: I think this song really showcases Bryce's talent on the drums (he writes and performs EVERYTHING. He's so talented I could die). His fills are super catchy and I can't help but bounce around like a four year old who's had one too many Oreos. 

Favorite Lyric: "I need to think this time is time for me and you to be a phrase that I would always use in the context like I belong to you."

Why I Like It: Who doesn't wish it were Saturday every day? It's a good Wednesday song. Wednesday has always been my least favorite day of the week. I always think, "Man, everything would be better if it were Saturday." And then this song gets stuck in my head. See? Perfect. 

Track Five: 

She's My Baby

Favorite Musical Element: I love the way he plays with meter in this song. 

Favorite Lyric: "Here's how it sounds to be let down..."

Why I Like It: It's a really cute song (I assume about his wife). I love how the older I get the more I understand the lyrics to these songs. This song is really, really sweet. D'awwwwwwww!! 

Track Six:

That's So You

Favorite Musical Element: This melody is AMAZING for harmonizing. This is why I listen to a ton of male singer-songwriters. I love to harmonize. 

Favorite Lyric: "So thanks for your help. You shine so bright. You are the star that's in my sky. I am yours and you are mine."

Why I Like It: I have always loved a good love song. And this is a good love song. It's so sweet! For a long time, this was my favorite song on the album. It's still amazing, but I switch favorites so often because I keep discovering things in other songs and obsessing over them for a while. 

Track Seven:

Mean Thoughts and Cheap Shots

Favorite Musical Element: There's a fun piano interlude toward the middle of the song. 

Favorite Lyric: "We will show the world just how we passed this test. And we will show the world we're better than this mess."

Why I Like It: This is my "everybody's being mean to me!" song. It really helps me feel better when I'm having a rough time with someone else or myself. I use it as a reminder that I am better than that. I really love being encouraged by music in this way. 

Track Eight:

Movie Stars and Super Models

Favorite Musical Element: The rhythm section. YES. 

Favorite Lyric: "And a sparkle is the reflection in my eye."

Why I Like It: I dig the message in this song. I just really dig this guy's honesty in his lyrics. He sees that by observing the lives of other people on TV and such, he's not looking at his own life and is therefore unsatisfied with it. It's a good reminder to watch what you watch. 

Track Nine:

What We Hate, We Make

Favorite Musical Element: UM. EVERYTHING. But for real, my favorite thing is the tinkly (that's the word that came into my head, guys. Judge all you want) melody in the piano. Guhhhhh I die every time. My heart. It makes my heart feel. And I can't give it words. 

Favorite Lyric: You mean I have to CHOOSE??? "I'm breaking my heart tonight so you can see what's inside."

Why I Like It: This song has been with me for so many things. I could write pages on how many situations this song has helped me through. I can't put this information into words. All I can say is if there is any song on this album that you must listen to, it is this one. I wish I could have you feel what it makes me feel. It's so good. Some people may think it's absolutely ridiculous that a song that some random guy wrote could have this much of an influence on me, but it's true. This song. Is the best song. 

Track Ten: 

TV Family

Favorite Musical Element: I really like the xylophone he adds into the chorus. And then the guitar riff in the second verse. 

Favorite Lyric: "I don't know much but I know we will be happy as a TV family. Except times infinity."

Why I Like It: Again, I dig his honesty and I feel like this is an honest song about his faith. In the words of my friend Randy, Bryce really knows how to "be about it". I feel like this album is about who Bryce is and his faith is definitely part of that. 

You guys, I had so much fun listening to this album about four times and writing about my love for it. I really hope you give this guy's music a listen. He's on Spotify and he's brilliant. He's also going on tour in April, so you should go check him out! He puts on a crazy good show. He's from Fort Worth, so he always makes a Dallas stop. It's not even that far! 

Now that I'm done advertising... Well, I'm just done. See you round, Internet friendz!