So you think the solution is simple?

All this talk of domestic violence and abuse has me reflecting upon my experiences over the past few years. If you read my last blog post, you'll know that I intended to start a blog series on overcoming negative cycles in life. As usual, I did not follow through with my blog series plan because I got distracted by work and socializing and a new boyfriend and all of those sorts of things. However, the topic of abuse hits home with me, because that was my negative cycle. I spent about four or five years in various relationships which were mostly psychologically and emotionally abusive (luckily, I never experienced full on physical abuse, although it came pretty close a couple of times). The tweets about #WhyIStayed are incredibly important and I relate to so many of them. They are what has inspired me to write this blog.

My plan for this blog post is to put you in the mindset of the abuse victim and to see exactly the kind of muddled up reality we are/were forced to live in. A lot of this is going to be things that I haven't told very many people.

During college, I dated a series of guys who, whether they knew it or not, did not treat me the way I deserved to be treated. I don't want to single any one of them out, so I will go through general topics as opposed to specific relationships.

I often felt inadequate. I would be told to be a certain way, try my hardest to become what he wanted, and still not be good enough. All I wanted was to be loved and supported by someone but I would be told to be more like someone else.

I was forced to do things I didn't want to do. I won't go into gory details. But this was not pleasant. And no one deserves this.

I was isolated. Jealousy prevented me from being able to form strong friendships in college. One guy wouldn't even let me hang out with my female friends and I spent most of a semester cooped up in his dingy apartment, unable to even sleep in my own dorm room. Wedges were driven between my family and me. During one relationship, I lost the ability to communicate completely. I pretended my relationship was perfect because I didn't know how to tell people that I was miserable. I withdrew from school for a semester and thought about never going back (which actually proved beneficial in the end, after the devastating breakup). I was taught to believe that everyone outside the small circle we had formed was not to be trusted, that they wouldn't understand me, and that they would judge me and hate me for my lifestyle and beliefs. And that's how I lived for a while. Cooped up in another apartment, afraid to venture out.

I felt trapped. This is probably the main reason women stay. They feel there is no way out. There was one boyfriend with whom a break up would never stick. I can't remember the details (probably because my brain doesn't want to), but I couldn't make the breakup last. Something would always happen and I would feel guilty so I would stay. It finally got to the point to where I thought I had to do something that would make him so mad he would never forgive me.

I felt confused. My words would get twisted around. Any time there was conflict, the blame always seemed to land on me. I needed to fix things. I was the abuser. He never said that. I'm remembering incorrectly. I'm the one with the jealousy issues. He's sacrificed plenty for this relationship; I need to sacrifice more. I need to speak up and let him know what my needs are, but not that way! No. I did it wrong. I do everything wrong. I can't come to him with that. I couldn't go to my own boyfriend for emotional support. Even when I did what I thought he wanted it was wrong. Everything was my fault.

I was afraid. I was afraid of so many things. I was afraid of being left behind. One boyfriend made me feel guilty for still being in college and I felt pressured to finish as fast as I could because I was afraid of being left behind. Another boyfriend actually threw things when I tried to break up with him and I had to have two of my guy friends escort me back to my dorm where I had a panic attack in the shower. Worst of all, I was afraid of what would happen post-break up. I don't think any person should ever have to be afraid of life post-break up. I think that is the loneliest, scariest place I have ever been. This goes hand in hand with the isolation. I thought I would have no one. Nothing. I thought breaking up would leave me with no friends, no family, no one to support me or understand me.


This is what emotional abuse looks like. And I'm reluctant to post this because it is so personal. And I know the guys I'm talking about aren't inherently evil people.

But maybe I should qualify it. It is what it is. This is what happened. Obviously, I'm still experiencing reverberations. I find myself in this moment thinking, "What if it was my fault? What if I am the problem?" I'm all for recognizing that I am human too and I know I do some awful things sometimes. I hope I've taken responsibility for everywhere that I actually did wrong. But where am I taking too much responsibility?

The Cycle

In life, we all have cycles. We meet the same types of people over and over until we learn the lesson and break free. Some lessons are easy and others can really suck and be difficult to break. The key is being able to trust yourself, love yourself, and forgive yourself throughout the entire process. That is how we grow and come to know ourselves as we truly are, which is strong, capable, and beautiful.

One of my cycles has been meeting people who are emotionally and psychologically oppressive (I'm not here to demonize anyone, please don't misinterpret what I'm saying). Sometimes oppression is intentional, other times it's not. But it's been present in many of my  relationships including, but not limited to, my romantic, platonic, and familial relationships.

Seeing a cycle in your life is often a sign of something within yourself that needs to be addressed, and this can be difficult, especially if you (like me) have felt victimized. However, when it comes to human relationships and karmic bundles, the thing to remember is that like attracts like. The common saying associated with the concept of karma is "what goes around comes around". So, if you find yourself surrounded by negativity, take a moment to evaluate what you may or may not have sent around.

Self-inquiry is the most important part of having a spiritual life. Or, really, the human experience itself. It is our responsibility to assess ourselves and how we impact the world around us because that is how true change comes about. Change your output to create a better reality for everyone involved. Simple. :)

But sometimes what we confront isn't pretty. It doesn't fit our ideal version of ourselves. We feel shame. And shame sucks. Shame really, really sucks. It ties your insides in knots and makes you think really terrible things about yourself. It can be isolating, because admitting something that makes you feel ashamed is difficult. How will others react? What if they won't love me anymore? These are real concerns.

But everyone deals with this. There's not a single person walking around that doesn't have a negative cycle that makes them feel ashamed. And if they say they don't, you can be certain they're lying. To me, it's comforting to remind myself that everyone lies, everyone is mean sometimes, everyone gets angry or sad. The hiding is what hurts us the most, I think.

This is where self-love and forgiveness comes in. Love yourself in spite of your flaws. Forgive yourself for your mistakes.
There's a verse in the Bible that says "love your neighbor as yourself" and I think this gets misunderstood. Most of the time, the church tells us we are selfish creatures and should therefore try to love people more. But in my opinion, we don't love ourselves enough.  You can't give what you don't have. If you don't love yourself very much and you are trying to live out this verse, you're not going to love your neighbor very much. But if you love yourself through the struggles and forgive yourself along the way, then you can truly love and forgive another.

Well, this ended up being a long winded blog about self-love and self-forgiveness. I don't think I went off-track, but I also don't want you to have to sit through an entire novel of breaking negative cycles in one sitting, so I'll leave you with this to munch on for a few days and I'll revisit the subject.

Happy Sunday, all :)

Point of Light

There's a point of light
That lives inside of me.
It is me
And it isn't me.
It has no name,
Only beauty.
Wisdom.
Purity.
Innocence.
I know this point of light.
This point of light is the entire universe.

There's another being
With whom I am familiar.
She is me
And she isn't me.
Her name is Abigail,
And she is beautiful.
Ugly.
Loving.
Hateful.
I know this other being.
This being--Abigail--is a dream.

This poem was inspired by one of the early chapters in Adyashanti's The End of Your World. This book is basically a guide to the experience of awakening and everything to follow. The chapter I read this evening was titled "I Got It, I Lost It" and it really struck some chords with me.

In this chapter, Adya speaks about what it's like to know the deeper nature of reality while simultaneously living in a state of separation. He describes some spiritual pitfalls and other obstacles one may face.

These topics all rang true with my recent and current experience. I had a mystical experience a few months ago which led me to spiritual awakening. I had what Adya describes as a "honeymoon" phase with my awakening; everything was fine and dandy, I was a newer, nicer person who would never be negative again (warning: major pitfall). I had it! But as a couple months went by and school got crazy (see? Here I am blaming school), I lost it. Adya mentions that this is entirely normal and reiterates that it is nothing the individual does wrong, just a rough patch in the road to enlightenment.

Thus, this poem was inspired. I've met my true spirit. I know for a fact that in the deepest sense of reality, I am that beautiful, innocent point of light. However, I must also acknowledge that the Abigail I know is also a part of my spiritual experience and she won't always act from love, kindness, and compassion. Sometimes, she's pretty terrible.

But I can't hide from her or oppress her. All I can do is accept her and everything she may do, good or bad, and eventually, the point of light will integrate with the Abigail and the Abigail will be influenced by the light.

Anyway. Long winded explanation for a little poem.

Sweet dreams, friends. :)

p.s. Come see my ego perform some classical singing on Thursday night at 6:30 in Roxy Grove!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) <3

An Introduction to Spirituality

Hey, friends. I'm here introducing a blog series I'd like to write.

Recently, I've begun a journey into my own spiritual realm and I'd like to share it with you as I go along.

I believe we are witnessing a global spiritual revolution. Another "enlightenment", so to speak. Think about it--more and more people are seeing truth in what is commonly referred to as "New Age" spirituality (I'm not attaching my beliefs to any one label, I just know that labels can be helpful and that's the ballpark I fall nearest to). This revolutionary spiritual perspective has taken its truths from major world religions including, but not limited to, Christianity, Taoism, Buddhism, and Hinduism.

This avenue of thought is universal while also being very personal. It is so complex and multifaceted that I could never fully grasp it, much less try and explain it in a single blog post. I'll share what I have found to be true. My personal spiritual perspective is brand new, though it has been in development for twenty-three years.

I believe we are all members of one consciousness, divided only by the fact that we are in physical human bodies, and these bodies came with an ego. Thus, the universality and individuality existing simultaneously. When I think about all of us being members of One, life and everything about life is given a beauty that language could never accurately express. Every animal, every plant, every rock and body of water becomes so precious.

This notion gives the saying "treat others how you would like to be treated" more gravity. This means, everything you do, everything you say, everything you think, you are doing, saying, and thinking to or about yourself. Doesn't that just make you want to emit nothing but love and kindness?

Now, you can't be a thing and not experience negativity. There are tons of fluffy, flowery things I can say, but that doesn't mean I'm just ignoring the negativity and I don't believe you can be immune to it. You will encounter bad energy and you will experience unpleasantries is life. The secret is how you deal with it. And this is the challenge for every living being. It's not easy.

And that's the basics of what I believe. Seems simple--and it is--but it's highly complex.

Some of the things I hope to address in this series include:
Dealing with negativity
Energy
Scientific explanations
God and the divinity within yourself
Caring for yourself
Caring for the earth
Fitting in with society

And any other realizations I may stumble upon.

One thing to remember, though, is that this is my personal experience, and that it could never match yours. You may come to similar conclusions or completely different ones. Just don't take anything I say as an absolute authority. You'll find that within yourself. :)

Namaste