My Story

My Story


My last blog was created during a challenging time in my life. I wasn't myself. That wasn't me writing that blog. I had someone looming over my shoulder, watching every move I made, every word I said, every person with whom I came in contact. I was with a boyfriend who was trying to change me into who he thought the perfect girlfriend would be. All I was told was what I was doing wrong and what I needed to do in order to be perfect.

Perfect. I hate that word. Perfection doesn't exist.

Before this relationship, I was strong, smart, and I wouldn't take mistreatment from anyone. But somehow he was different. I don't know why. He wasn't any more attractive than anyone else, but for some reason, he made me feel special. I guess I  really was special to him. So special he felt the need to guard me from everyone else, even my family.

He weakened me, made me feel like no one would ever love me or accept me for who I really am. And I believed him. Before I met this boy, I never would have let someone do that to me. He would call me manes and tell me all the things that no one would love about me except him. I gave up my friends and social life for this person. I became a hermit and only made social contact in class. Just to make this guy happy. But he was never happy.

I was scared. Always walking on eggshells. I never knew when he would crack. I started deleting text messages, changing my friends' names in my phone and changing my facebook password frequently. I stopped checking it altogether whenever I would visit him. I've never known fear like that. I can remember the feeling of terror when my phone would ring and the relief when it would be my mom or one of the few friends he deemed "non-threatening". 

At the start of last summer, I decided I didn't want this anymore. I was tired of being afraid of the person I supposedly loved and tired of being ashamed of myself. I made new friends and decided to stand up for myself. He eventually broke up with me, which was hard, but I had friends who helped me through everything and for whom I will forever be grateful. I slowly grew back into the person I was before. She took some getting used to, but I like her. She's smarter than she was before. She's secure in the relationships she has. She'll stand up for herself. She'll admit when she's wrong. She knows perfection isn't real. She loves who she is--the good and the bad.

And that guy? He isn't scary anymore. Just remnants of a nightmare in my mind. It feels like a dream. Like it didn't really happen. I haven't seen him since the day he left and I'm okay with keeping it that way. Sometimes, I forget he actually exists. And then someone mentions to me that they saw him somewhere around town and I'm reminded that he's still out there. 

I've abandoned that blog because of the negative ties it has. I don't want to go back to that time and I don't want to be reminded of the person I was. That wasn't me. Anything you see here is something from deep within my mind, body, and soul. This Is Me.