In college, I've had my heart broken by two men. For that, I forgive them.
In college, I've broken the hearts of these two men. For that, I forgive myself.
Back in April, I began to talk to the first of these two men again. It started out as just small talk, catching up on our lives and such. It eventually evolved into talking about the relationship we had. The good times, the bad times. It included apologizing for where we went wrong and acknowledging that we cut each other deep. Looking back on the painful things is a healthy part of recovery. I really enjoyed being able to talk to him and share my feelings about everything that happened between us. We saw the mistakes we made and I think we are both learning from them so we can make our future relationships easier and stronger. And it's just nice to have a friend in him again. We shared an emotional intimacy that I now find difficult to cultivate with people and it's nice to have someone with whom I can share.
Our personalities are far too similar to make a romantic relationship work. Both introverted, both extremely passionate, and both passive-aggressive in conflicts. Our feelings for each other were intense form the beginning, but this also fueled our rage, making conflicts unbearably terrible. Knowing this makes it easy to be his friend without wanting to pursue anything romantically with him. Being of a similar personality type makes it easy for me to listen and empathize with him as he talks to me about difficult things. I still care deeply and his whole life has been difficult. I know he longs to be understood and I'm glad that I can be at least one person in his life with whom he can share the difficult things. Everyone deserves that. And in return, he's able to listen to me and remains a valuable friend in my life.
The second man had the most profound effect on my life. I was convinced that we were going to spend our lives together. It was all that I wanted. When we ended things, life got messy. And I mean messy. I said that I would never speak to him again. I'd had this plan that if we split, I would call him on my 25th birthday, after growing up a little bit, and see what was up with him. After our breakup, however, I had sworn this idea off. I wanted to forget him and try my hardest to erase our entire time together from my life. Unfortunately, that never works. Side note: I've been watching Once Upon a Time and a character just said, "As wretched as it is, I need my pain." This really resonated with me. I spent months trying to mute it all with the help of beer and other distractions, but that never worked. There are no words to accurately describe the misery. I was deep in the pit. I was sad, I was angry, but worst of all, I was still in love. The last thing I wanted to feel for this guy was love.
Over the next few months, I progressed toward recovery from this devastation. About a week ago, I received an email from him containing the songs that we had recorded with Five Iron Frenzy. This email also contained something I never, ever thought I would get: an apology. I had to reply. In my better state, I've been focusing on being the best version of myself. And my best self doesn't like to let the good deeds of others go unnoticed. I thanked him for his apology and we agreed that the day we spent in the studio with Five Iron Frenzy was one of our favorite experiences we shared. We began to reminisce and we talked about everything, good and bad. We apologized for everything we did wrong to each other, which is a lot. We were both depressed and searching for our purposes. In our states, we lost the ability to communicate and we let other people and other things get in the way. Neither of us stopped loving, we just got angry and resented each other for every little thing. It's just so sad how something so wonderful was ruined.
There's a freedom I've experienced in finally forgiving this man. I'm experiencing a wide range of complicated emotions, but it's much better than being angry all the time. That was exhausting. My eyes have also been opened to some issues I've been experiencing, specifically my inability to connect with people. I thought I just didn't trust men anymore and that I'd rather be alone that be in pain again, but that's not entirely true. It's more that I don't want to let anyone in because I haven't detached myself from the life I was building in my head. I had committed myself to the idea of sharing a life with this guy and I haven't let go of that. This is the reason I've been so emotionally unavailable to men. I just don't click with anyone the way I clicked with him. Now, I'm not saying I want to get back together because I can't be certain that I won't get hurt again. I just finally have some insight as to why I am the way that I am.
What I'm trying to say here (a tl;dr, if you will), is that anger is a crutch. It's a part of grief that you can't hang onto forever because it will eat you alive. Forgiveness brings relief and freedom, even when you think you'll never recover from the pain.
I understand that this blog post may get misinterpreted, so I want to open up lines of discussion for anyone who desires clarification on anything I have mentioned here. Please, feel free to express concerns or ask questions.
Soundtrack for this post: "Thank You" by Alanis Morissette and Engine of a Million Plots by Five Iron Frenzy
