Taking Control

I haven't been in control of my life for some time now. I've been obediently doing as everyone expects, but it's time for a change. This semester has given me many challenges and I've been left wondering if this is really the right path for me. So I've decided to take some of that control back. 

I'm taking a more unconventional route for this coming semester: I'm not enrolling in classes at Baylor. I'm using this time for self-reflection and self-discovery. I know a lot of people may be thinking, "what self do you need to discover?" That's a question I can't answer right now because I don't even know. I've never given myself the time to find out. I've been basing my decisions on what other people thought was best for me, but I've grown tired trying to fit everyone else's perspective. I need to live without the pressure to be a certain thing so that I can find the things that truly make my soul glow. I want to pour all of myself into what I do every day. I want meaning, not achievement. 

I live to be creative. I love music, I love pictures, I love stories. Anything that starts from within and flows out of the body, mind, and spirit is a beautiful thing. And I want to make beautiful things. Yes, I've been a music student for three and a half years. Shouldn't this satisfy me creatively? For some, it might. For me, it doesn't. Being a music student in such a high-pressure, strictly structured, cookie-cutter environment has actually drained me of the love and passion I once had for music and singing. I want to make music for me. Music that comes from my soul. Music that isn't being made to please someone else's expectations.

Art is a thing that I wish I had spent more time cultivating in my younger years. Unfortunately, come middle school, students are required to choose just one thing to focus on outside of academia, which is a shame in my opinion. I loved singing, but I also loved art and I thought acting looked like so much fun and I wanted to learn to play an instrument. I didn't want to spend my days sitting through lectures on math and science and subjects of the like. I wanted to do things, really do them. Hands on experiencing everything. And so visual arts had to be left by the way side. I always thought "it's too late to start becoming an artist. You left it behind for music. Music is your art now; you'd never catch up to artists your age anyway." This is a crippling mindset. Many things I have read and many conversations I have had recently have shown me that this is not true. I don't have to have a degree in something to have merit or for it to be considered "legitimate". I also joined an art therapy group this past semester, which changed my life. Art, of all kinds, for me is a way to put my thoughts and feelings into a language that everyone (including myself) can understand. As strange as it seems, the language I think and exist in is not the same one I use to communicate externally. Feelings and emotions are physical and psychological phenomena that oftentimes cannot be accurately expressed through language. I plan to use this time off to find the true artist behind all the masks and to really let my spirit take control of my being and show the inner world of Abby.

If you haven't gathered by the lengthiness of this post,  writing is something I enjoy doing. I mentioned before that the concept of language can be very frustrating for me when I'm trying to fit my giant, irrationally shaped feelings into its tiny, rigid boxes. I was referring more to speech and trying to get everything out correctly on the spot. The act of writing, however, lets me test out ideas and analogies without the pressure of someone listening. While writing, I don't have to worry about saying the wrong thing. It's much easier to scribble out pen strokes, erase pencil, or press the backspace button hundreds of times than it is to retract a statement that someone else definitely heard. Writing lets me proofread my thoughts and make sure every word was thoughtfully chosen and carefully placed.

I hope this satisfies the concern of those of you who worry about me and what seems to be an abrupt change in my person. I understand the worry but I sincerely want you to know that this should be cause for celebration and encouragement. If I seem different, just remember that I'm not hiding anymore and that the person that emerges from this period of soul searching and self discovery will be more true to my being than any of the personas you've encountered before. I love everyone in my life and I know many people love and care about me, and I want to let you know that this will be good for me and you, because I will be a true and honest manifestation of the spirit that has been trapped inside my fears and my need to please others.

I want to encourage everyone to spend some time in reflection and see if who you are is true and honest. Are you happy? Do you love yourself? If you could give your soul any kind of nourishment, what would it be? Then, go out and do it! Make changes in yourself and your life! Know your values and know yourself, because You. Are. Beautiful. It's never too late to make changes! Don't let the ideas of our society make you feel trapped. Existence should be free and edifying. So go find your soul and get reacquainted with it. You'll never regret it and you'll always be thankful.

Live honestly and love everything.